and then... i was momma

Week One = Failure

2012-01-14T23:20:00.000-05:00

So - I mentioned I'm doing a challenge that spans 12 weeks. The first week's challenge was strong! I got off to a great start. I was motivated. Below, in italics, is taken from the DO LIFE Website, the Challenge looked like this, and my comments are in green and red:

Week One Theme: Assess, Resolve, and Act.

Quote: "You have to act your way into right thinking."

Fake it until you make it. Sometimes that's what we have to do. A lot of times we find ourselves accepting our crappy habits, whatever they may be, as a way of life. Breaking those habits is difficult and we're not going to immediately adopt new healthy habits as a lifestyle. Sometimes we have to force them until they become routine. This isn't a bad thing. It doesn't mean we're not "cut out" for whatever change we're trying to make. Remember that.

This week is all about determining where we are currently and where we want to be. That is, after all, what a resolution is, right? It might be worth it to get a notebook or word document and label it "Do Life Challenge."
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WEEK ONE CHALLENGES:

(Since we're all at different places in our health and fitness journeys, there will be some differing challenges.)

•Write down five quantifiable goals for yourself. Emphasis on quantifiable. And they must be realistically achievable within one month (more on this below the challenges).
FAIL: these are still in my head. But not physically written down. Look for a pos following.

•Assess yourself and write down your current stats in all five areas. Do you want to lose six pounds? Find out exactly where you are now. Do you want to run a 35-minute 5K? Write down your current time. Etc. You might need to get creative with assessments. That's okay. There is no requirement on your goals or your assessments.
FAIL: see above.

•By Monday night, get on the floor an do as many pushups as you can. Modified (from your knees) or regular. It doesn't matter how many you can do. Write this number down in a notebook or word document. Pushups will be a "fun" recurring litmus test throughout the 12 weeks.
SUCCESS: I did a Biggest Loser workout with my daughter on Sunday. I managed 18 modified push-ups. That were horrible in form, and I'm sure my ass was not aligned with my back. But I did it. I could not moe my arms for three days following. Or my legs. or my back, or my HAIR for that matter. BUT? I did it. and that is more than I did the day before.

•Beginners: Do 120 minutes of exercise this week. The exercise can be anything physical as long as you're working that heart rate. Walking, running, cycling, rollerblading, yoga, weight-lifting, anything.
SUCCESS SOMEWHAT: I did some formal exercise as noted above on Sunday... and then nothing but housework all day Monday and Tuesday. I never sat down, both days, until the evening. More movement than I am used to. However, by Wednesday? I could not move. I am not sure this was due to going from a total sedentary lifestyle, to not so sedentary... or if it was a fibromylagia flair up But it was bad. And it controlled me for the week. And I continued to fail.

•Intermediate/Advanced: Add 30 minutes to your average week and push the intensity during those 30 minutes. It doesn't matter if it's five intense minutes during six different workouts or one extra intense 30-minute session. I'm a beginner! Woot Woot... off the hook!

•Identify your biggest excuse. Write it down on a wall in your house. Then in your notebook write a way to eliminate that excuse. Not enough time in the day? "Eliminate American Idol and Glee." Sorry
FAIL: I didn't write down my excuse, but I think I learned this week, I'm great at making them up. and I'm done with it.

•Each night before bed, write four things you did well that day.
FAIL: I did not write this down, and while I'm sure I did many things well that week, I sure as heck didn't feel like it.
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All in all, I felt like a failure. I was motivated and I let health get in my way 100%. Hypocrite much? but you know what? It's all OK. There's always this week.

peace and be good. do life.

SHELLEY DOES LIFE

2012-01-03T05:00:00.001-05:00

DO LIFE CHALLENGE - Week 1, Day 1

i weigh 223 pounds
this is 42 pounds less than i weighed a year ago
i ate better today
i had no soda
i did not snack
i only had one cup of coffee today
i exercised for 34 minutes
i did 14 modified push ups

why does this matter? read on...

WOW. what a day. holy cow am i sore. so yeah. this last year i dropped 42 pounds. i refused to have any physical activity in my life. why you ask? because it hurt. because i was scared. because i couldn't breath. because i was full of excuses. and then there was that whole cross country move thing. i found some happiness. but still lacking something.

now don't get all excited. i'm not jumping on a bandwagon to get healthier because it's a new year. i don't consider any of this a resolution. nope. being fit and being healthy is needed. it's required in order to live in bend, oregon. why? have you SEEN bend, oregon? i'm missing out on my city if i can't be out and be active and experiencing bend, oregon. period. hands down.

oh yeah, but then there's the whole health thing. i have grave's disease. i have no thyroid, therefore metabolism and i don't get along. i have fibromyalgia. i have asthma. among many other things i won't bore you with. but what i have learned? i refuse to allow any of these things to define me. i never have. i keep a sense of humor about me. i can only survive this shit with humor.

so, i'm doing life. it's a 12 week challenge. watch ben's video first. i was inspired by ben. i hope you will be too. and maybe join me, follow me, encourage me. the challenges are listed on the forums, you've got to register, pay 10 bucks that helps with sending prizes to the weekly challenge winners. and do life damnit. it's that easy.

today? i focused on eating well, dropped the soda, added in water, and stayed moving almost all. day. long. i did 14 push ups. 14 more than i did yesterday. granted, they were modified, and probably very half-assed, but i did the best with what i have, and it's a start. i did this via the biggest loser workout plan on my kinect. i am hurting to the CORE. and i only worked out 34 minutes today. i put away all christmas decor today. i did laundry, i cleaned house, i grocery shopped. i. am. tired.

check back. i'm blogging about it daily.

peace and be good.

OLW - 2012

2012-01-01T21:39:00.001-05:00

many of you reading are familiar with Ali Edwards One Little Word project that she sponsors every year. while i have, with best intentions, taken the time to seek a word each year, i've failed miserably at embracing the word, owning the word, and really making it resonate in my daily life. last year, i made strides, and chose the word MORE. it meant a great deal to me.

i can humbly admit, i did a great deal MORE last year than ever before. we moved cross country for crying out loud! how much MORE can you ask for? i got rid of MORE negative energy than ever. i embraced MORE, i grew MORE emotionally. i learned to love MORE of me, and i physically lost MORE of me. a considerable amount MORE. i played MORE. i loved MORE. i said no, MORE. you get the idea.

but the end of the year, left me wanting MORE. i wanted to feel like, at the end of the year, i had completed MORE. the year left me with many started projects, but not all of them were actually finished. this frustrated me. my mind was whirling creatively, from the end of June through December. living in Bend more or less, created a creative fire in my i'd not felt in a very long time. i pretty much gave up on my crafting in 2011. i didn't do MORE or nearly enough of it. that hurt, as it's a big part of life that defines me. that makes me happy. that fuels me to be a better me.

moving cross country is no east feat. and you are constantly in some stage of creation when you do something so huge. you create a plan. you create a new life. you create a new home. you create new friendships. you create a new you. it's a clean slate i think. and it's the last time i do this. we moved here with intention to create roots. as i thought about all of this, i realized create was not just in a paper and glue sense, but moved me like a verb moves a sentence. i wanted MORE out of 2012. but i realized that in order to have MORE, i needed to CREATE it.

so while i felt like CREATE was a sophomoric attempt, initially, at participating in yet one more challenge i probably won't follow through on the entire year, it hit me... this word chose me this year. which i found funny, as i read more and more blogs this week about OLW... many - scratch that - countless women have stated their word chose them for one reason or another. hmmmm... there's a trend here. i want to CREATE more of me this year. and i feel more empowered and encouraged to do so than ever this year.

so - yup - you guessed it, my OLW this year is CREATE.

CREATE more - in the literal sense
CREATE a home worth loving
CREATE a new life
CREATE new friendships
CREATE new routines
CREATE time for me
CREATE more time for play
CREATE a body that is no longer rifled with pain and distress
CREATE more words
CREATE progress on my 38 @ 38 list (i will blog about that soon!)
CREATE a plan
CREATE better food
CREATE more healthy routines
and on and on and on.... CREATE

it fits. and i'm owning it. and putting it out into the universe, because as i tell my best friend, "you've put it out into the universe, so shall it be." in an effort to own it, i've taken this week off from work. starting the new year by CREATING organization and structure in my home office/studio space. reinventing the space i work in and spend most of my time in, since i work from home, is crucial to my well being - so that is where you will find me this week. i'm sure that will allow me to CREATE more consistent blogging thoughts as well.

go on. create with me.

ciao.

hello monday.

2011-12-13T03:39:00.000-05:00

hello holidays.

hello blog. i've missed you. let's get together more often.

hello oversleeping and hitting the snooze one to many times.

hello monday. (why'd you have to oversleep?)

hello to a calendar of conference calls which at one point today, had me quadruple booked. (i made it to 3 of those 4 calls. yay me.)

hello excitement. my momma shows up on tuesday from new york.

hello hair appointment right after work. (forcing in me time is important!)

hello dance rehearsal again for the showcase this weekend.

hello last minute cleaning to be done.

hello holidays... i'm ready....

(hello monday is a lisa leonard inspired blog prompt, join me!)

Fall Adventures

2011-10-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

we decided to adventure off on saturday to a pumpkin farm. one thing different, among many, on the west coast, the pumpkin patch just doesn't exist on every street corner as it does in the northeast. the closest one was about 30 minutes north of us at the DD Ranch in Terrebonne. wow! this place was something else! little did we know it was like an amusement park and would have cost us nearly $100 to really enjoy everything they had to offer!

there was a petting zoo...

pumpkin chunkin, face painting, a corn maze, a band playing, all sorts of different activities going on - and everything cost one token - one token = $2.50 = OUTRAGEOUS!!! so yeah. we checked out some animals... took some obligatory pumpkin photos...

now, my dear readers, you see this adorable face? this angelic lil being? yes. my child, just moments after this photo was taken? she melted down. things were said such as, "did we come here just to pet some stinkin lil goats? i wanted a stinkin pumpkin!!!!" we retorted back with, "GET IN THE CAR. NOW!!!" OH ...it was awful. no pumpkins were had. (besides, the prices were outrageous!)

we ventured on over to smith rock. i'd been wanting to see it, and it is breathtaking...

we then ventured on to see an old railroad and did a lil more hiking...and got some awesome and some silly family pics. much love for fall adventures. happy fall y'all. what's everyone else up to?

First Grade

2011-10-13T23:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Kennedy,

The last month and a half has been full of getting into a routine and learning (for all of us) how to be a first grader. You are fitting in quite well, I must say. You were so excited to start school, telling me on the first day, you didn't need a hand held at all, because you were a big girl. I die a little bit inside each time I hear this. My apron strings are loosening, and I'm sad, but at the same time, I grow with such a sense of pride, that I've sent you out into this world to be such a strong, independent little person. a pretty great contributor to society.

You struggled in the first few days with schedules and getting ready in the morning. While I knew immediately this was not like you, I knew to look deeper. I brought out of you in casual conversations, you were overwhelmed. You were having a hard time "fitting in". You went from 1/2 kindergarten and no recess, to a 7 hour day, with recesses and lunch. This transition is HUGE! So we coached you on making friends, fitting in, and being a part of a group. Learning that you were the little girl sitting alone on the playground eating lunch by herself? Broke my heart and made me want to homeschool you forever. I worked with your teacher closely and we quickly got you past that small bump in the road. You now have two BFFs - Ellie and Ava. Miss Gleeson says you are the finest threesome in the class... remarkable little girls, she said!

Your teacher - wow... have we gotten lucky two years in a row! Miss Gleeson is a DOLL! She is young and ambitious and eager to teach. She has recognized you are hungry for knowledge and she is willing to send you additional homework to keep you motivated with your advanced reading skills. This is all very exciting for us. I have already started helping out with projects in the classroom and have volunteered to be Miss Gleeson's room parent! We are loving Ponderosa!

We had your first parent-teacher conference last night. WOW! Once again - you floored us with your skills. You are way above the curve in reading and getting far above the curve in Math. Miss Gleeson has already started you on the 2nd grade sight words list. (I didn't have the heart to tell her just yet, I think you know those already too!) You passed each competancy test from the state with 100 and we are just so amazed at what you are capable of.

Your homework so far is to just read every night for 20 minutes. This is never enough for you. we read 4-6 books a night. I am at the library once a week now loading up on books, in addition to the 2 you bring home from school each week. You set yourself a personal goal in October to read 100 books by the end of the month. By the 10th, you had read 30... I think you can do it! I love that you share this passion of mine to read!

You also LOVE and adore your music teacher, Miss Sue. We are so thankful you get music twice a week in addition to Music and Movement on Wednesdays. These days are highlights of your week. Your voice is really being cultivated!

Keep up your passion for school, sweet girl. There is more fun around every corner.

and THIS is what 1st grade looks like on you!!!

what i've been workin on...

2011-08-16T19:06:00.000-05:00

so, since i've moved to bend, i've been inspired. could be the thin air. could be that i'm feeling better. could simply be that there is literally art and inspiration on every street corner. i'm not quite sure. whatever it is? i'm not complaining in the least. i'm inspired. and i'm loving it. and i want to make stuff. every day. here's some things i've made recently - right before we headed west, and then even more recent, since we've moved! What are you working on right now and what is inspiring you as you head back to school?

I know I'm inspired to make goodies for Kennedy's new teacher. This banner below was made last fall for her Kindergarten teacher... i think i might whip up another one this year. what do you think?

Back To School Banner - October Afternoon

My girl is forever stealing strawberries from the counter as I cut them up... so we've coined this the Strawberry Goblin... I had to do a page about this. I caught her in action over the summer!

Strawberry Goblin - October Afternoon

Just whipped this lil number up at a crop last weekend.. using some Crate Paper from my stash and a cute candid photo of Kennedy on the morning of her 6th birthday. She was saucy that day! Love this look !!!

You Are My Sunshine - Crate Paper

Also made last weekend... photos from a couple of summers ago. She looked so very serious here... so I called this Sand Warrior. Used all Echo Park. I love Echo Park so much I want to marry them. I don't think I have ever felt so connected to a paper line before. Everything they make, they think of me. It's all about ShelleyMay when they design their lines. They have me in mind, I am convinced. I need to design for them. I must. I love their papers. The weight. The designs. The embellishments. It's just totally me. I can eat up a collection easily. Pure love.

Sand Warrior - Echo Park

My niece, Caitlyn, is going into 3rd grade. She needed a clipboard, comp book, and pencil box this year. She couldn't go in with standard supplies. ohhhh no no no way! nope. she got boutique style supplies! Customized... that's right! She was smiles ear to ear when she saw this stuff! I told her to tell her teachers I do custom orders! lolol Again - Echo Park! swoon!

Cait's School Set - Echo Park

So - I showed you mind.. now show me yours! what have you been workin on?

peace and be good!

Shell

blowing the dust off. it's simple.

2011-08-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

yes. i know. i said i write. i'd send postcards. i'd call you from the road. the truth is. it's not you. it's me. i went off and found a life. i've been busy. really, it's not you.. no no no. stop it. just listen. it's me. i've found someone new. someone who does more for me. someone who gives me what i need. someone who understands me. someone who... who... someone who completes me.

i moved across the country in order to do it. and yup. lo and behold. i found me. i found a life. it was there all along. waiting underneath blue skies and zero humidity and big puffy, white, angelic clouds. bend, oregon. we're here, we're settled, and we're making a life. it's been a whirlwind. we love it. and we are setting roots so deep it takes my breath away some days. i catch my self some days with butterflies in my stomach like the first time i went on a date as a child. now that we are getting closer to school starting, we are fitting in more structure starting this week. we've let it go. and it was good. but now it's time to rope it back in and get back to schedules and structure and calm. my girl needs it. i need it. poppa needs it.

in all my blog surfing that i do, one woman i admire the most, that i very rarely comment on her blog (sorry lee , i'm a horrible lurker, i know!) posted last week, a challenge, i just loved, so i wanted to emulate and take inspiration from her. i felt this idea, which she found from elsie last summer, was just what i needed to jump start me into the school year and kick off fall. i need a little push back into organization. thanks, lee!! you're a superhero momma, in my book. i'm so sad our stars did not align when we were in the same time zone, and just hours drive apart, but should i ever get to toronto on business again, we will for sure hook up. so follow me along on 4 simple things...my own simple and doable challenge:

FINISH: there are just a few more boxes that need to be unpacked. just unpack them already. and put things away where they belong. there are a few piles in the storage closet in the kitchen and in my bedroom that need a home. just put them away already. there are plenty of empty closets and cupboards in this home. that's a first. plus, my mother in law will be here in a few weeks, i want her to see what a beautiful home this is...

RESTART: stealing this one from lee. restart my healthy eating and nutrition guidelines. i was doing so very well. i've lost a solid 40 pounds since january. 40 pounds. that's huge. HUGE! no pun intended. no reason i cannot keep that momentum going. i need to refocus and really look at not just for me, but for the family as a whole, what are we putting into our bodies?

CREATE: create more regularly. this one is already in action. oregon has jumpstarted my creativity. art is all around. it is everywhere. i have made several things since i have been here. i have ventured out and made some new friends, even. i am so excited about what is in my future here in bend.

EXPLORE: living in a new town, it's important to explore. i often times drive around and purposely try to get myself lost, simply to see if i can find my way home. i haven't gotten lost yet. this is a good sign i'm grounded and right where i need to be. i am in awe of the beauty of my town. there is literally art on every street corner. i am astounded by this every day. it simply takes my breath away. i need to get out more with my camera and explore and document this so i can share it with my out of town friends.

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what are your simple and doable things for august? will you share them with me?

the big yellow truck is here...

2011-06-21T07:59:00.001-05:00

and it's glowing in the driveway. she pulled in yesterday at about 10:00 am. the husband went and picked it up. we shelled out about 1900 bucks. and began to cram all of our life into the big yellow penske box. i chuckle, because that name.. penske, has been a large part of my work fabric for about the last 12 months. not the moving company, but a different division. i chuckle just the same. anyhow, i digress. the moving has officially begun. as of right now, i write to you from about the only piece of furniture left in the house. my desk. my sweet, handcrafted, scrapping, art table, of a desk my husband so sweet handcrafted for my about 6 years ago. i told all the friends here yesterday helping... whatever you do - don't pack up the desk! this momma has two more days of work left!!!

our life. in a truck. crammed into a big yellow box. it's really quite hard to believe you can condense every memory. every tear. every laugh. every hug. every sweet thing you've ever made with your child into a big. yellow. box. on wheels. that i'm told will only go 70 miles an hour. "when i'm not in a mountainous range." i chuckle. all in that box. and now we are faced with... will it all fit? we still have to cram in the sofas, the beds, the desk, the swingset, the bookcases, the kitchen table, the coffee table... and i think that's it. and there's a fear it won't fit. we sold a 4 wheeler yesterday in under 3 hours on craig's list for fear it wouldn't fit. (forget it was a piece of shit and hardly ran anyhow... it got sold!) yee haw! and this money will be used to pay off momma's 4 wheeler! I say good thinkin lincoln!

this adventure is rockin! we are on the move. and everything is pushing us there with no resistance whatsoever. we are going willfully and with excitement so much so that we cannot sleep. my husband has lost the look of tire and stress around his eyes. he has a look of happy in his face again. that same look i remembered when we got married. funny - i had actually forgotten he once looked that way - until it showed itself again. that was such a sweet memory. having him home this week, too, has been awesome, as this is what i get. every day. from here on out. i get to have him. everyday. here. with us. he will be working from home too. our quality of life is good. pure goodness. just us. the three of us. together. no stress. just us. ding what we love and being where we love. exploring and creating a new life together. i'm liking the way this looks so far. and we're not even there yet.

we're just in the big yellow box and already the sun is shining in my driveway. and life is good.

peace and be good people.

pizza is your karma.

2011-06-11T13:22:00.002-05:00

(written on 06.04.11, 38,000 miles in the sky, on my way to oregon)

It all began a Saturday afternoon. We were attempting to prepare for our move to Oregon. Our first weekend of productivity. We had boxes. We had motivation. We had teamwork. We took a break. Dad and kennedy were playing some kinect. I was taking a snooze on the couch. All I knew, was I was awakened to the cry. You know the cry. The one where you mothering instincts go into overdrive. You leap up, you begin gathering things, because you know it’s going to be a long afternoon in the ER. You grab snacks. Her lovey. Comfortable clothes. And you know something is broken. She was celebrating a victory in boxing with dad, fell just right while jumping up and down and landed just right and broke her wrist. Again.

We spent a better part of the afternoon in the ER. We witnessed homeless people. Drug addicts. People who simply needed attention. People who needed to be loved. People who needed to be needed. we were triaged and never actually taken back into a room. We were cared for by an awesome team of doctors and nurses the whole time, but we got to see all the action in the main area of the ER. My husband was amazed. You see, in all the times we’ve been in the hospital with me, it’s been pretty bad so we’ve been sequestered into a private room we never witnessed the travesty of the public lives you hear about on the news. The girl that comes in with a drug addiction so bad she’s succumbed to begging for prescription drugs by faking an ankle injury. Yup, we saw it. We were in awe. Kennedy was a trooper through the whole experience. My husbands eyes were wide opened that day.

At one point as we were about to get casted he hands me the phone and tells me to go and order these people some dinner. I laughed and walked away. He says, no really. we have to DO something. He goes on to tell me he can’t believe all he is witnessing… he is appalled at society and all that has walked through the doors. The least we can do is brighten the days of these doctors and buy them some dinner. This coming from a man who never feels we owe anything to anyone. I ask him if he is serious he tells me YES! Pay it forward. This is our karma. This is our chance. Go order dinner for these people. They work tirelessly. Endlessly. Caring for people who will never pay their bills who will never thank them. Do it.

And so I did. We ordered three pizzas and some salads for the ER staff that night at community general. My heart soared that evening. Not because of the idea… oh look at me. Look what I can do. But because… look at us. Look at the couple that we’ve become. We can finally do good. We can pay it forward. We are doing one small kind gesture. And who gives a shit if it ever comes back to us. It doesn’t even matter. It just plain felt good. We walked in God’s grace for a moment. And when the doc told us we were all set to go we told her we could not leave yet, we had to sign for her dinner.. she didn’t believe us. I told her it was the least we could do. The look in her eye told me that very moment something had shifted in or life. I knew tat moment of paying it forward was huge.

I’ve always believed in small gestures of kindness for strangers. And I’ve always done them. My husband always thought I was crazy. “why do you do so much for others.” “no one ever does anything for you, etc”…. and I tell him, because one day, my karma is gonna kick me in the ass, lift me up, spin me around and take me on one hell of a ride, and I am quite surprised, as I’m in the midst of the ride right now, 38,000 miles up in the air, writing this from an airplane.

As we planned this cross country move to Oregon, of course, there was some fear. It’s a huge financial burden. It’s scary. There is a great load of planning that goes into this, especially when you are the mover, the packer, everything. We opted to do this all ourselves. We had to find our own house, truck to move, everything. Form the moment we made the decision to move, every single step to get us closer has fallen into place like a well choreographed ballet. In the almost 12 years we have been together, nothing, and I mean nothing has ever gone this well. This tells me, in my serendipitous belief – we are meant to be in Oregon. Everything is pointing us there.

We began looking for a house months in advance. Our target move date was late june. We found a house May 1st. someone was already in line to rent it. Their app fell through. The house was perfect for us. We got approved. With no problems. It’s in my sister-in-law’s neighborhood. Karma. there was then a worry over how we would sign a lease as the rental company required us to be there in person. My job required I travel to Oregon the first week of june on business. Karma? Serendipity? Perfect.

The house is 75% packed 4 weeks before the move date. We are organized. We are ready. Ron has a job. Karma. He will work from home. We will both work east coast hours. Karma. Our quality of life just climbed up through the roof. Karma. Our current landlord told us to keep our last months rent rather than him send us our security as he knew it would be helpful with a cross country move. Karma. We didn’t even ask. He said “because you’re good people”. Karma.

All I know. I am on cloud nine. Literally right now. Writing from the clouds on my plane from Chicago to Portland where I will connect to Redmond. The center seat is empty. Karma. The flight is smooth. The view looks like heaven, if heaven is clear skies, with big puffy clouds, and snow covered mountain tops… it’s just gorgeous up here. Life is good. I’m on top of the world. And this roller coaster ride that karma is taking me on is one serendipitous turn after another and I’m loving it. Stay tuned while I chronicle the adventures of our cross country move and our new life in bend. daddy leaves on the 22nd, K and I leave on the 25th. Can’t. hardly.wait.

Peace and be good.

and then she was six.

2011-05-11T18:56:00.000-05:00

i wish i could wrap her up in a bubble and preserve this day and these moments forever. i'm convinced they are so sweet and will never come again so pure and innocent. she will continue to get older and learn more things from her friends. the sweetness from this child today was breathtaking. the way the light caught her hair at breakfast, to the way the wind blew her hair in the car, as we had deep conversations tooling around town this morning before school. today was, in a word. perfect.

i want to capture this moment in words. simply so i don't forget. (as i tend to do these days.) our day started at about 6:00am. i felt someone standing over me. i peeking open my eyes, and saw her looking at me, then looking at some hello kitty figurines in her hands, then looking at me... in total disbelief. then, she exclaimed, "there is glitter all over my hands and in between my fingers!!! fairies must have come!" i asked if i could take a look. sure enough - she was covered in pixie dust. i told her to check her bed. she said there was glitter EVERYWHERE. you see, she has a fairy door in her room. fairies must have come whilst she was sleeping and left her a small toy and sprinkled her with good fortune, sweetness and pixie dust.

i then explained to her that i just ran out of time this week, and didn't have time to get balloons or anything special for breakfast, but that i would make it up to her while she was at school for dinner. all the while fooling her, as i had gone all out and decorated the kitchen, complete with tea cup and saucer for juice and donut, balloons! the works! she was floored!!! we had breakfast, got ready and left the house.

headed to the nail salon for manis and pedis! every birthday girls needs a fresh mani and pedi to kick off the day! on the way there, i reminded her how special she was to me. i explained that this day was one i wait for all year, every year, as this day is the day my life changed. i told her that having her made me a better person. made me stop and slow down. she told me "mom, today, my life changed. today, i'm no longer a little girl. i can feel it now. like really feel it. like, i know i'm bigger now. like, i don't even WANT to have temper tantrums anymore. really, i don't!" i just wan to squeeze this kid. she's perfect.

then a trip to Mc Ds for lunch, then off to school. i delivered cupcakes and drinks to school for her to share with her friends. she got a huge lot of cards from all of her friends. several of the boys even wrote i love you on the cards! wow!!! wasn't ready for all of that! she got home from school, we took a quick trip to the canal to see loads and loads of baby turtles (need to go back to take pics!) and then grabbed daddy and headed to dinner. we finished off the day with dinner at spaghetti warehouse and then back home for birthday cake and early to bed.

as with every year, this day was filled with many memories for me. i just can't fathom how we got here. how did i create this little person. this human being that is so full of empathy and respect. consideration and thoughtfulness. kindness and heart. creativity and mindfulness. she's just an amazing and brilliant kid. she's wise beyond her years. i'm convinced she's got a bit of my grams in her, which is why she's so wise. i've said since she was a baby, you can look into her eyes, and see a very old soul. she's so very mature and logical for six. she reads, she draws, she writes. i never want to forget this feeling

at six kennedy:

is an amazing artist
is gorgeous with mesmerizing eyes that tell a story all their own
is a story teller
can read as well as an 8 year old
can spell as well as an 8 year old
is creative
is kind
is warm and caring
is thoughtful and mindful
is considerate and empathetic
is funny and downright hilarious when she needs to be
is snuggable and huggable
is determined and stubborn for all the right reasons
is brilliant and gifted
is driven
is focused
and in the end, she is mine

six years has been a wild and exciting ride.

can't wait to see what the next 6 bring us.

Life changes so quickly...

2011-03-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

so, we have some very close friends in southern california, the lubowe's. carly lubowe is the youngest. she has a very best friend who's life just changed in the blink of an eye. from jessica's website:

On March 3rd an MRI found an inoperable tumor in my brain. After many appointments, research and prayer my parents and I have chosen to receive radiation/chemo treatment at Children’s Hospital Orange County (CHOC). I start treatment on March 21st. Please continue to pray for me and my family.

i believe this little girl, jessica joy rees is about 12 years old. i am compelled to do something for this sweet girl, to help spread joy back at her. in reading her story, she's a remarkable little girl. she is walking in God's light, living his word, and doing his work at such a young age. it really makes you step back and imagine your own adult life, if you were so open and engaged in doing the same. she underwent her first "lap" of treatment today. please join me in keeping her and your family in your prayers. jessica firmly believes in NEGU.. never ever give up. amazing, eh? (only from the mouths of babes.)

i encourage you to check out her website, and then like her cause on facebook. her goal is to have 10,000 likes. come on people.. we can DO this! she's also starting a website called joy jars. i believe the goal here is to send jars filled with lil bits of goodness to others who are ill... um hullo crafty women.. doesn't this just get your wheels turning?

i'm planning to put together a jar for Jessica this weekend. if anyone would like to contribute somehow, and send some crafty goodness her way that will fill her with joy and smiles, please let me know.

now... GO. like her cause on FB. check out her website. mark it as a fav. i'm sure you'll be inspired by her daily. i know i am already.

peace and be good.

cheap, scrappy, & upcycled?

2011-02-27T23:17:00.000-05:00

so, in an effort today to be crafty - since i was finally feeling somewhat human - and in honor of my doing less = more... i took some scraps, some steals from target, and some time cozied up in bed, to BE crafty. less is more, right? i changed the bed and cleaned our room. i knew i didn't want to craft in the office, since it looks like a bomb has gone off in there. i pulled the following things together, having no idea what i was about to do:

random flowers gifted to me by my sweet friend, Cari Fennell
scraps of fabric
some beanies for kennedy, i found on sale at Target for 70 cents

some cute spring shoes i bought end of spring season last year for 3 bucks

a gigantic bottle of fabric tac (a staple in my world!)
some fiskars shears
a seam ripper
some needles
some thread
and random bucket of ephemera

the results? 4 new hats! UPCYCLING! and a new pair of shoes!!! woot woot! go me!

what did you make today??

peace and be good.

shell

fewer vs. more

2011-02-23T22:52:00.001-05:00

so in my drugged up, migrained, percocet induced haze the last several days, i've been surfing many blogs. ok - hundreds. alright! perhaps 1000's. i think the blog addiction goes hand in hand with the magazine addiction. little snippets. i don't have to read chapters to get a fix. just a lil' daily what's up, going on, teach me something new - yeah, and i'm happy. i get inspired. i want to create. i want to write more. i want to hone in on what makes me happy. i want more. i need more.

i've been a long time follow of many bloggers that have reached "celeb status" in the scrapbooking & crafting industry. i've then deleted many off my favs when they've become arrogant, pompous, and full of themselves, and just plain mean. there is an insidious underbelly to this crafting industry that reared it's ugly head to me this summer. i mean, really? it's paper and glue, women. get over yourselves.

there are many i've followed since they first started a blog and are now starting their own photography business. (you know who you are.) inspired. these kinds of bloggers keep me coming back for more. they move me. they make me want to be a better me. they inspire me to learn something new. they take chances. how can you not want more when witnessing that?

and then, in a quest to want more of me - a more stylish, a more creative, a more defined me - physically - i'm drawn to various style blogs. i'm not quite sure how to define these... you know the ones - cute outfits each day - on the cheap? now let me not confuse you - i've no interest in DOING this myself, but it's inspired me to try a new top now and then. experiment with layers. express myself in my style. i used to love this. i allowed motherhood to take this from me. i'm slowly getting it back. some six years later.

all of this reading and inspiration left me wanting more. (that one little word rearing it's head at me again - hair raised - looking me right in the face) i want to write more, photograph more, make more, style more, lots more. and i tend to stop. and spin in circles. and stop. and get dizzy. and stop. because i don't know where to start. and then tonight, my most favorite blogger ever tweeted this blog - and it resonated so deeply, i had to write. more. she said after attending a blogging conference, she learned simply to:

Do Fewer Things.
Do Them Better.

those two simple phrases, once embraced, will allow me to do so. much. more.

i'm off to make my list of fewer things. so i can do them better. and get so much more out of me.

join me?

peace and be good.

WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

2011-02-23T10:00:00.012-05:00

the CSN $20 Gift Certificate goes to.... dun dun dun duuuuuuhhhhh.....

i added a slip of paper for each entry and had my lovely assistant vanna - er - umm.... i mean kennedy pull a slip for me (and i neglected to photograph this fabulous event, because, well, i wasn't feeling well and, then kennedy didn't want to cooperate, oh yeah, you want to know who won??? right. i'm on it. sorry. migraine has me a bit loopy. so...)

... and it was....

melonie!!!!!!

i will email you the specifics for CSN... and you must post back and let me know what you got and what you think!!!

thanks, everyone, for playing along! I will be working with CSN again in the future, so stay tuned!

peace and be good!

shell

go on girl. git your SHINE on...

2011-02-22T18:50:00.000-05:00

so in a typical bloggers world, a sweet girl by the name of ashley sent me an email one day. she randomly found MY blog, complimented my writing and told me i was an inspiration... what the WHAT? ashley - you rock.

i then wandered over to her blog - holy cow! the girl is absolutely adorable. she's doing some pretty awesome things. and of course, i ~~wanted~~ needed to have one of her necklaces. not only did i buy one, nope, i bought two! and speedy mcspeederson... i got my order in under like 3 days i think? she's awesome.

now, in my sickly state, reading blogs makes me happy... i venture to her blog, and what? woah. stop.. it's give-a-way time on her blog! some over the top cute stuff too. go get you a look. i did. and i'm gonna win. (sticks out tongue) but take a look anyhow!

great, and now ashley has me hooked on MORE blogs... just.lovely.things. oh go get inspired, would ya?

peace and be good.

shell

CSN Giveaway...

2011-02-22T12:22:00.000-05:00

i have the info from CSN to giveaway my $20 gift certificate!!! comments on original giveaway post below will be left open until 12:01am Wednesday. That means I will announce a winner tomorrow!!!! will it be YOU???

thanks for following.. peace and be good.

shell

how do YOU get inspired...

2011-02-21T19:10:00.001-05:00

when you just can't feel it? i need to be inspired. i will be inspired. if i say it so shall it be? right? HAH! i'm hoping i can shake what ails me as my scrappy chics want to get together friday night for some craftin and drinkin time! i'm all about both! so i'm trying my brain for some inspiration. i want to make something wonderful. just don't know what. what sort of steps do you take to find inspiration?

i start with my own stuff first... kinda like this:

i start with a list of stuff i want to make: layouts, altered, cards, fabric or paper, gifts or to keep
i then go looking through my old stuff: what is it that i loved about my favs? was it the product? the style? the technique?
shop my stash: what do i have that i'm dying to use? what am i out of consumable wise? what do i need/want/must have? (waiting for Cassie's PI order to get here! she's so RAD!)

then i go out to other people's stuff:

i blog hop and find inspiration >> just look at the blogs i have listed!!
i surf etsy
i look through friend's galleries on FB
i look at my fav manufacturers blogs and design team galleries

then, i make another list of what to pack! phew. so far i've just got a mental list and i've been looking at some of my fav work tonight and came across some oldies but goodies... hope this helps you find inspiration too... and i leave you with some eye candy - and heck, maybe some inspiration! (let me know if that worked!!!)

love this photo. circa last summer.

peace and be good. now go forth and make stuff. and post back here if i inspired you.

shell

update on give-away!!!

2011-02-20T20:08:00.002-05:00

so, my friends at CSN have not yet sent me the gift card code... i am extending the giveaway to the post below through wednesday!!!

this is my first time working with them, so i apologize. and am embarrassed.

stay tuned and bare with me.

peace and be good.

shell

the office...

2011-02-16T22:32:00.000-05:00

and no, i'm not referring to the show. i'm referring to my office. the place where i work. the place where i create. my home office. you see, i'm fortunate. i work for an amazing fortune 500 company. top rated by employees. i'm spoiled. i work from home. full time. on occasion i get to travel, but it's always fun - even though it's work. it's fast paced, it's a high stress level, but it's nothing i can't handle. ever. i have wonderful peers. even better mentors. i'm spoiled. period.

the move to oregon is upon us. the hubby, sweet hubby - stated the first focus on the new house will be my office. his exact words? "honey - we will get your office dialed in perfect for you this time in bend." see, i've always had a dedicated space, but it's been modge-podged together and never really complete. because not only do i work from home full time, those that know me - know - i'm a crafter. so it's my studio - also. it needs to be creative. it needs to be me. it needs to be "dialed in."

so lately, i'm on the hunt online for inspiration. my main goal is for OFFICE FURNITURE that is reasonably priced, yet will last a good long while. i've been perusing blogs, diy mags and this new to me online store - CSN Stores. i mean, look at this herman miller chair in lime green? i'd LOVE this.

this chair looks super comfy cozy for 9 hour work days!

they have LOADS of choices, prices are right - and i've done my research people. their customer service is top notch! CSN has a great selection of office furniture, home furnishings, decor, kitschy stuff you name it! check out the site. i dare you. give yourself a few hours, as you'll be sucked in.

take a look on their site. let me know what you think. have you purchased from CSN stores? what was your experience? if you haven't, would you? report back and let me know so i can contribute to another purchase with a GIFT CERTIFICATE!!!! that's right - my friends at CSN Stores have given me a $20 Gift Certification to give away to one lucky reader! but you know nothing comes for free... that's right. i'm gonna make you work it a bit! follow me here on my blog for one entry. leave me a comment here for another. share my blog with your friends on facebook and let me know back here you did that too! each step will earn you an entry into the drawing!

i will have my assistant, Kennedy - help me draw a winner Sunday evening. no comments after 5:00pm Sunday evening will be considered. i will announce the winner on my blog Monday morning!

now go! tell your friends!

peace and be good!

shell

a healthier way...

2011-02-16T21:55:00.000-05:00

well, most of you that follow my blog know - i'm on a quest for a healthier life. i am eating better, taking vitamins, and working like the dickens to get my never-ending health issues in order. in an effort to do so, i've been shopping more wisely. noticing that a full grocery cart, does not necessarily mean i have everything i need. i've noticed when i DO have everything i need, my cart is LESS full. oh but not so! visually, it is less full. nutrient wise? it's full to the brim.

i have learned that when i stay away from processed foods, and work to put in more whole foods to our bodies, the cart is visually less full. there are no boxes. no freezer bags. (unless it's a frozen fruit or vegetable) this hit me one evening at the checkout. i commented on this new found a-ha moment, and the cashier looked at me like i had three heads. after all, she was under 18, a size 2, and cute as a button, with gorgeous skin, hair, and an athletic build. she thought about it for a minute and said, "yeah, i grew up on these kinds of foods. my mom never allowed us to have cereal unless it had rolled oats or flax." i then took a turn, looked at her like SHE had three heads.. and then - i wanted to find her momma, pick her up, spin her around, worship her, and then have her teach me how to feed my family.

less really IS more. are you with me? ok you are, but are you listening? there is a belief that in order to eat healthy, it also costs more. this is not true. since i have stopped buying so much convenient and processed crap, my bill is about $60 less a week. this is $60 less weekly for over a month now! we are eating better as a family and trying new things. do you KNOW what those processed foods can do to you? i'm not going to tell you, you can google it. and then be grossed out.

so in an effort to keep this up, i am frequenting my local health food store, Green Planet Grocery. this place ROCKS. as much as they can, they stock the shelves with food from local sources. local as in right here in syracuse! umm, hello? how cool is that? not to mention, the people that work there? awesome! so healthy! i don't get "the look" when i walk in. you know, like the one i get when i walk into victoria's secret. the "umm, yeah, heffer? we don't SERVE your size in here!" look. yeah. not at all! i walk into Green Planet, i get the "damn. check out this cool chick! she brought her cute recyclable bags AND she wants to get her body healthy. way to go cute chick!" look. love them. everyone i've ever dealt with is knowledgeable, helpful, and eager to help you or offer you new choices. love this. the store is bright, airy, totally does not fit in syracuse... but it's just my kind of place.

so, not only is the service the schiznit, they offer up all these yummy, often vegan, organic snackems all over the store. whilst there a couple of weeks ago, i happen upon some samples at the register and then a super cute display of cookie mix. i'm thinkin, yeah, no chance a vegan cookie can taste good. nope. i ain't buyin it. (afterall - vegan i am not. healthy, i am) so i look at the bag, as i'm tempted because A) the packaging was super cute. (cute girl, remember?) and 2) it claimed to be unprocessed anything! score! i had to try them, right? well, of course. the non-judgemental cashier told me i did. she then told me if i substituted the butter for coconut oil - score! total vegan recipe! i had coconut oil - why not, eh? then i read on the packaging: "save bag to freeze left over cookies!" bonus - again - CUTE packaging!

i fell for it. i bought them. OHip girls... you friggin ROCK! Maria and Angela of Organically Hip are two friends who had an idea. and they went for it! not only am i inspired to stay healthy knowing i can nurture my sweet tooth, but heck - these chicks are ambitious. the funny part - i made the cookies...Cowgirl Cookie Mix...and yeah, didn't need the bag to freeze leftovers. my family ate them up. i told no one of my secret until after the cookies were all gone.

i was so excited, i emailed Maria and Angela to ask if I could blog about them - they said SURE! as long as you send us a link! (and they like my blog!) so i did, and girls, link is on it's way.

are you with me? are you following along? are you smelling what i'm steppin in? pickin up what i'm layin down? i'm on a mission. we are not only watching what we are putting in our bodies, we are watching WHERE we are putting our bodies. join me as i continue to write about our cross country adventure coming up this summer. we are in heavy, heavy planning mode in the may household for our cross country move to a healthier lifestyle all the way around. the moving truck is reserved, notice has been given at work for the hubs, and i've got vacation approved for two weeks and new work hours figured out. stick with me. it'll be an adventure. and i'll make sure to make fun of it while we do it.

peace and be good. and go forth and get you some OHip cookies & brownies, yo!

shell

and we're back.

2011-02-16T21:49:00.002-05:00

damn, one day at typepad, and i'm frustrated. i think i spend my days doing techy stuff, i'm just fried when it comes time to blog. i will stick around blogger. plus, it's free y'all!

sorry for any confusion!!!!

i've moved...

2011-02-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

my blog here. please save and follow me. and enjoy the sarcasm at my new home on the web. better blog design to come in the near future. i promise.

NEW BLOG HERE.

a bend in the road.

2011-02-04T23:39:00.000-05:00

i have visions of a healthy life. when i close my eyes, and breath it in, i am thinner. my skin looks better. my eyes look rested. they sparkle again. my joints no longer hurt. my muscles no longer swell. it no longer hurts to stand up. my hair is fuller. and longer. my hair is wavy and kissed by the sun. i have new freckles across my nose. my clothing is more comfortable. i can feel the comfort of long, loose, flowy skirts. skirts i've fashioned with my own two hands using fabric in my stash. up cycled skirts. i can feel the simplicity of a plain tank top, simply embellished by my own hands. a handmade hair clip tying up loose strands in a mess bun. a new pair of sunglasses. flip flops. sandals. and the one thing that completes it all? a smile and sense of inner calm.

when i close my eyes, and think of bend. this is what i see. i can see it so clearly, i can almost feel it. like a tactile page in my art journal. i truly believe the life i've always imagined, the live i've always wanted, really is within reach. it's within reach simply for the taking. it is no secret now, we are relocating to bend, oregon in the summer. this is a decision two years in the making. this is a place i can feel myself putting down roots. this is where my daughter will grow up. this is where she will thrive. this is where she will grow. and the best part? it's where i will do the same things right beside her.

there are so many beautiful things about bend, that i can't imagine it not rubbing off on me. don't get me wrong, i'm the last person with a body image issue - i truly think i'm a beautiful person. bend will just make it stand out that much more.

i was recently diagnosed with fibro-myalgia. health is on the mind these days and ways to improve it. we've changed the kind of food that comes into the house. and we are conscious of portions and how we cook. i am back to taking my herbalife vitamins and using the shakes to help me lose weight. that is the key treatment to fibro. i know once the weight comes off, the bones and muscles will feel loads better. bend will not allow us to lead sedentary lifestyles. it's impossible there. i mean look at it....

my mother in law always tells me i have to make happen what i want to happen. i'm doing just that. care to follow the journey with me here? i'm heading down a slight bend in the road... and those skirts are looking fabulous.

stay tuned.

peace and be good.

shell

an attempted fresh start 1.1.11

2011-01-01T23:08:00.000-05:00

so - i set my alarm clock last night, when i laid down at 1130pm, to get up today at 700am. my plan? kick old habits and not sleep in on the weekend. i wanted to get up, throw on the saturday uniform of a sweatshirt, ball cap, jeans, and my uggs, and head to the grocery store and get that out of the way. it SO did not happen.

i woke with more new pain, coursing through my body, in areas i didn't think i could have pain. i ignored it. i headed downstairs to commotion. the tree was coming down. it was only 830 in the morning, and my tree was being torn apart. there was shit everywhere. and normally, i'd have freaked out. instead? i said thank you and what would you like me to do? the trees were taken down in a matter of an hour, everything neatly put away, boxed up and organized, ready for next year. :sigh:

i then wrote a two page list of things i need to accomplish before wednesday. i took monday and tuesday off to clean, and i wanted to start today, finish tomorrow, so i can sit in my studio and create all day monday and tuesday. i made the list. this was all i accomplished today. the pain got worse, so i said screw it. in honor of my word for 2011, MORE - i took more time for myself to just relax. and that is what we did. i mean look at my list - it's HUGE:

KITCHEN

Clean oven

Wipe down cabinets

Clean out fridge

Clean floors

Organize spice cabinet

Clear window sill

Clean slider

Wipe down table & chairs

Wipe down microwaveLAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY

BATHROOMS

Toilets

Mirrors

Floors

Baseboards

Tub/shower

Lysol
LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY

LIVING ROOM

Dust

Windows

Baseboards

Hall closet

Wipe down sofas

Stains in carpet

Cob webs

Hang pictures

Wipe down pictures

Frame Kennedy’s school pic
LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY

HALL & STAIRS

Wipe down baseboards

Vacuum stairs

Wipe down doors

Wipe down door handles

Wipe down door windows

Move CD case
LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY

BEDROOM

Wash comforter

Wash bedding

Organize closet

Wipe down windows

Wipe down baseboards

Vacuum

Dust
LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY

so, there is always tomorrow to get back on it! i need a day to rest. right? right. i did manage 2 loads of laundry, so all was not lost. and the master bath got a scrubbing last night. so really, some things are done! :)

i then got caught up on some blogs this evening and read my new, wonderfully admirable friend, Lee's Blog... and i literally cracked up out loud. i made the list. but no where, did i do an inventory of my internal rooms and what i need to clean there. tomorrow. tomorrow i will make that list. because that is MORE important. take some time, read Lee's blog. it will not disappoint.

i'm off to read some more. take more pain pills. and hope pain is gone tomorrow so i can be productive.

look for a post on my One Little Word for 2011 soon... and some photos!

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 31

2010-12-31T22:17:00.002-05:00

WOW!!! I COMPLETED THIS! I MADE A COMMITTMENT AND FOLLOWED THROUGH!!! GO ME!!! WOOT WOOT!

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

i starkly noticed today, i have a great deal of pain i WANT to write about and it's just under the surface. i hold back. and i sugar coat things. i want to get past that this year. in 2011, i have chosen the word MORE as my "one little word". i want more honesty with myself this year. more truth. more sharing. more detox of the memories and pains that haunt my insides. i want to continue to learn more about myself. i want to write more and not have it sound as though i'm searching for sympathy. it's the last thing i want.

i want to share my stories, so that i might touch one other person who can benefit from my stories. so that i may help someone. the common theme here? i'm aching to help myself in the journey. i have grown a great deal this last year, as i've learned through reverberating and contemplating what's to come. i want to continue this effort, but with fervor and gusto. i want more. i'm putting it out there, because if i say it out loud, so shall it be.

this will be a great year for me, full of more happiness, more surprises, more growth, more believing, more loving, more family, more me, more us. 2011 is more. because i said so.

peace and be good. happy new year.

December Daily - Day 30

2010-12-31T22:10:00.000-05:00

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)

i really can't talk about it right now. i will photo it and write the words at some point.

be good.

December Daily - Day 29

2010-12-31T22:08:00.000-05:00

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

this year, my life has been defined by poor health - with a short run of good health during the spring and summer. in the midst of all that internal chaos, i experienced loads of firsts with my daughter.

it's amazing i can do this thing called parenting. it's amazing she's such and astounding little person. shaping her into a sweet, compassionate and caring little girl has helped shape and define who i am today. i want nothing but greatness for my child. i will stop at nothing to help her achieve nothing short of greatness. i have become a momma bear - at the first moment she was bullied at school by the biter (whom i blogged about earlier in the year.) i never knew i could act so swiftly, quickly, and calmly.

every day, i grow and change because of her. she is my daily defining moment. but this year? first school bus ride, first new friend in school, first gym class, did i mention first bus ride? that i allowed a total stranger to drive my child around town? the fact that i did not follow him to school the first day is defining my strength as a momma.

my girl is independent, strong, compassionate and just plain sweet to her friends. as i help shape her, she defines me and makes me a better momm.

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 28

2010-12-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

i fully intend on putting down roots in 2011. words cannot describe what this will do for me yet. it's a dream to even imagine it's possible. but i do believe. the only thing i can imagine doing now to feel that, is to continue to nurture my family in the interim. more of them. more time. more love. more focus. the word of the year is more. more on this topic as it progresses.

peace and be good. we're almost to the end!

December Daily - Day 27

2010-12-29T00:42:00.000-05:00

December 27 – Ordinary Joy Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

i have many ordinary, joyful moments each and every day. after all, i do have a 5 year old, who's compelling and amazing and brilliant and compassionate. i digress...

for most people a parent teacher conference is pretty ordinary. eventually. this year, was my very first one. joyful - was the look of surprise in the teacher's eyes that both momma and daddy showed up. i guess most mommas aren't so blessed to have an active daddy. more joyful was to be told, that in 20 years of teacher teaching, she's had 2 extraordinary students, and that kennedy made number 3. she's reading after only 5 weeks in school. she knows 26 of the 30 sight words. the teacher has only taught 10. she's thoughtful, caring, and concerned about her friends in class. she's helpful. and kind.

we had no idea, these simple, everyday tasks done by our daughter, were extraordinary. we thought all children her age knew how to read, and spell, and type, and make art, and draw accurate pictures of events...we had no idea. the teacher asked what we were doing at home to teach her. we answered: "parenting?" this was extraordinarily joyful. a moment etched into my mind for good. and grateful for such an amazing educator, that by chance, was bestowed upon my daughter.

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 26

2010-12-29T00:32:00.000-05:00

December 26 – Soul Food What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? (Author: Elise Marie Collins)

just not feelin this post. talk amongst yourselves.

December Daily - Day 25

2010-12-29T00:31:00.000-05:00

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself: Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

hmmm... tough one. i'm always behind the lense. not one that best captures me...sorry!

December Daily - Day 24

2010-12-29T00:29:00.000-05:00

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis)

i'm still waiting for it. i am not writing this for sympathy or woah! everyone! look at me! no. not at all. writing it in the hopes it just reaches one person. i've had a pretty shitty, almost, decade. and i've written about this several times before. but here it is again.

when things seem to be not going your way, one will often say, "hey! but i've got my health!" yeah. not so much. i can't say that. since i turned 30, it's been one issue after another. grave's disease, surgery, fertility issues, surgery, pregnancy (praise GOD!), surgery, pancreatitis, gall bladder issues, surgery, sinus issues, surgery, breast issue, surgery, sinus issues again, more surgery, asthma diagnosis, pneumonia, bronchitis, one thing to the next.

the latest? another auto-immune disease that leaves me until february before i can see a specialist. a rheumatologist. so many possibilities being thrown at me. i'm just holding my breath and waiting to see what they tell me come february. in the meantime, i'm in loads of pain. i feel downright shitty, but am trying to keep that to myself too. and persevere. as always. and wonder when it's all going to be ok. because i haven't felt it yet.

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 23

2010-12-29T00:16:00.000-05:00

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)

this is the lamest prompt yet. i mean really? why anyone would want to become someone other than themselves is beyond me. i mean after all, my name is shelley may. say it. out loud. let it roll off your tongue. now say it with a goooood, southern drawl. that's right. uh huh. fabulous right? add in the middle name? you'd think i came straight of the farm. shelley marie may, if you're nice. *snicker*

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 22

2010-12-29T00:13:00.000-05:00

December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

where to start? well, since the job requires physical travel several times a year... this year has taken me to...

chicago, illinois - again and again
atlanta, georgia - 2 times
toronto, QC - 2 times
la palma, southern california - once
dallas, texas - 2 times
roseland, new jersey - once
florence, kentucky - once

and for personal rest, relaxation, and putting down roots, bend, oregon.

mentally, my mind travels daily. to places of happiness and being grounded. i hope to go there more often next year. i'd love to take a vacation with my husband, that does not involve visiting family. i want to see something new. just us. no one else. selfish. i know. but it's what i want more of. new.

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 21

2010-12-21T23:57:00.000-05:00

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

Jenny Blake - author of this post... i don't think any of this really matters. what happened 10 years ago is the past. this question is rather contrived and foolish in my quest to reflect and manifest and do more with my life in 2011. i really strive to be present and focus on what's happening right now. i can't determine where i will be in five years, or even aspire to it. because, hell, in 6 months, a new opportunity will present itself to me that will change the next 4.5 years.

let's focus on the now. be present. be real. let go of the past and stop dwelling on it. do more. be more. love more. experience more.

really, jenny, sorry. but kind of lame.

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 20

2010-12-21T23:50:00.001-05:00

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

i should have gone to visit my father's grave. wow. that was the FIRST thing that came to mind when i read this. this january marks 20 years since my dad has passed. 20 years. and i cannot bring myself to visit his headstone. i think this is the time it happens. maybe i can do so this weekend.

(and did you notice the pattern? 20 years is my thought on the 20th?) hmmmmmm. yeah. i don't think i can say more.

December Daily - Day 19

2010-12-21T23:49:00.000-05:00

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

i know most might intend this to be more emotional and pschological... but for me this prompt immediately leads me to the pure physical healing.

i spent a better part of the first quarter of 2010 very ill. i had surgery end of 2009, that left me very ill for many months. finally, it was a decision to change physicians. i told my new doc, the old doc and i needed to break up. after many years in a relationship, we were no longer in love. no longer listening to one another and respecting one another. it was time to move on. so i broke up with Dr P and fell in love with Dr F. Dr F - in a matter of weeks, stripped out all my drugs, started from scratch, and got me on the path to good health. my sinus and asthma were finally under control by February. in almost one year, i've not had a sinus infection since. all because he listened to me.

in 2011, i want this new auto-immune problem to be diagnosed and fixed. i want more weight loss. i want to feel well. today, i feel like what i imagine an 80 year old woman feels like every day. bent, tired, in pain and sore all over. i don't think this is what your 30's should feel like. so i'm taking control, advocating for myself, and speaking up for a change. whether they tell me i have RA or FM...or some gastro bullshit disease, me and Dr F are gonna kick some ass.
again, say it with me, because i said so.

December Daily - Day 18

2010-12-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

i want to live a more healthy life. i don't want to say try, because to me that implies an attempt that might lead to failure. i want to say DO. i DO want to live a more healthful, mindful life. i want to do more with myself. i wanted to try countless things in 2010, but i let excuses control me and who i am.

in december, i have made changes already to that end. i want to DO yoga. not try. DO. i bought a package already. in december. that i will use in january. DO. not TRY. more. there will be MORE in 2011.

because i said so.

be good.

December Daily - Day 17

2010-12-21T23:39:00.000-05:00

December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

i think the first thing that stands out for me on this topic is my career. this year was a year of growth for me. i grew professionally, leaps and bounds. i've had some wonderful mentors along the way. one in particular really believed in me. put me in a place i was least comfortable. held me to really high standards. and one thing i learned, was that it is ok to believe that often times people can see more potential in you than you can see in yourself. and you have to trust that they are right.

it's almost as though i had to "hand it over". i had to believe i was capable even when i was still learning to walk. i learned it is ok to be uncomfortable. i learned it's ok to fail. because otherwise, how do you learn? and trust me, i had some big "fails" this year. but on the rebound, several big successes. i handed it over. i stood up for myself and i never stopped believing in myself.

going forward? these lessons will apply personally. i tend to do so much better with growth and goal setting in my career. if i could take only 1/2 of that motivation into my personal life? everything else will fall into place.

be strong. be good.

December Daily - Day 16

2010-12-21T23:33:00.000-05:00

December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

there are a couple of instances. i don't think i could write about the one that's sitting heaviest on my heart right now... as i wouldn't see through the tears. suffice it to say, it's painful, gradual, frightening, and surreal. i've grown radically in the midst of her pain and suffering. perhaps next year i can put it to words. tonight, it's too heavy on the heart.

peace and be extra good.

December Daily - Day 15

2010-12-21T23:31:00.000-05:00

December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

ummm, i do this every day without trying. my memory sucks. but really, i can't capture the things i most want to remember. i want to remember each and every bit. the good, the bad, and the ugly. don't you?

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 14

2010-12-21T23:28:00.000-05:00

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

this is a good one. this last year, i have come to appreciate my sister in law, stacey. she is the oldest in my husband's family and by far the quirkiest. she is happy on the worst of days. she is smiling when her world turns to shit on a dime. she is strength. she is perseverance. she is whole. she is honest. she is self aware and comfortable in her own skin. she is an amazing momma who is raising some amazing young women. she finds good in each and every little thing.

and most of all, i've learned... she believes in me. she believes i can be more. she believes i can be better. most will say this shouldn't matter. and you are right. i don't care what people think of me. but everyone needs a little cheerleader now and then. everyone needs that one person who can smack you upside the head and ask you to take a look at your personal behavior and get it in check. everyone needs someone who can teach you and show you a better way. stacey is that person for me. she's the calm in the eye of a storm.

this year, she had an opportunity to work with autistic children. she scoffed the idea and was at first frustrated by it. i told my husband i felt it was a perfect fit for her. in fact i think i said, "it's what she's built for." and you know what? when i talked to her last week, she said she loves it. and she's grateful for the work. she's an example to me.

i don't think i show her gratitude at all. hopefully she'll read this post and see - it's true. it's from my heart. i thanked her over and over again for teaching us so much this summer on vacation. showing us what family REALLY looks like. teaching us it is ok to ask for help and guidance. she was hesitant, until we begged for it. i am thankful to her. to her girls. to her sweet husband. their love for me and my little family is what has carried me through the last several months of question, doubt, and decisions. i show my gratitude in ways she might not see. i brag about her and boast about how lucky i am to have a rockin sister in law who gets me and helps put me back together again. i will continue to show my gratitude for her by standing up and working towards my goals that she has helped me to outline. i will always listen to her when she tells me she believes in me. i will call her more. and tell her i love her. just becuase.

we love you auntie rocket-tips. <3

December Daily - Day 13

2010-12-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

diagnosis. fixing what's wrong. managing my care. yoga. planning. setting goals. holding myself accountable. is there anything more? i mean really?

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 12

2010-12-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)

yeah. takin another hall pass. haven't felt this moment yet, but have a strong feeling it's on the agenda for me in 2011.

peace and be good.

December Daily - Day 11

2010-12-21T23:15:00.000-05:00

December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

Chaos
Disorganization
Clutter
Wasted Time
Debt
Unhappiness
Poor Health
Tempter Tantrums
Lack of creative time
Lack of concrete goals
missing my family

CHAOS: taking time off the first week of the year to clear my home of it

DISORGANIZATION: see above, this is tangible and virtually

CLUTTER: again, see above. tangible and technologically speaking. merging to one email account - finally, managing my blog reading... etcetera.

WASTED TIME: eliminating TV and wasted time on the internet. time on the internet is fine if it's spent writing or reading - other than FB!!!

DEBT: well.. we worked a good deal on this in the last half of 2010. we are making progress. it's time to kick it up a notch. to begin with, debit cards will no longer be used. we will manage a budget and only have cash as needed. there is no reason this cannot be done. at this point in time, i have a very small amount to pay off in order to be debt free. it IS attainable.

UNHAPPINESS: i can rid this because i said so, damnit. i worked very hard on this in 2010. my one little word was happy. i read the happiness project and attempted to incorporate little snippets of happy into my life each day. it's a work in progress. but a better momma, makes for a better home. i've tested that theory and not willing to let the work go.

POOR HEALTH: well, after today's news - much of this i have to hand over to my docs and to God. i will also get back onto herbalife and follow that plan. it's the one thing that worked for me. i have a wonderful support team in lance and marlene. i need to figure out which sort of auto-immune disease has now opened up shop in my body, and then proceed to kick it's nasty ass, just like i kicked grave's disease ass 7 years ago. i know how to fight, and i'm willing to do it again. oh, and i signed up for yoga. yeah, i'm scared as hell. nervous. and don't want to embarrass myself, but it's something i've wanted to do forever and a day. so there you have it. i said it out loud, so shall it be.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: kennedy will be 6 in 2011. the temper tantrums will go away then, right? i mean, they have to. but all of the other focus on me, then feeds into her. it's a cycle. when momma ain't happy.. yeah yeah, you know. so the more i work on me, the more, it in turn, works on her.

LACK OF CREATIVE TIME: i am taking back my tuesdays. i am scheduling crafting time. weekly and monthly. i am hosting two events at my house in january. first one is for my local girls i crop with. second one is a workshop for a friend. both things i've been nervous about doing for ever. for stupid reasons: will my house be up to everyone's standards, i'm embarrassed of what people will think. you know what? screw it. if people want to make judgement, they don't belong in my little world of happy. period. i don't think these women will.

LACK OF CONCRETE GOALS: i'm putting pen to paper. i've never really set goals. a mentor at work told me when i worked for him - i needed to always be setting goals. set some big ones at the beginning of the year that are realistic. and then break down some smaller ones each month, and then each week. put pen to paper. and blog about it! there's my accountability. and i don't need to pay for it!

MISSING MY FAMILY: i am making a more concerted effort this year to keep in touch with my west coast family. i miss them so much in my life. i yearn to have them close and to know what they've done each day. i am working at reaching out more to them in 2011 and not waiting for them to come to us. i love them more and more each day and realized this summer how very important they are in my life.i met such a large and wonderful side of my family i never knew i could love so much. makes me homesick just thinking about it. (yes, it's all you crazy oregon and so cal people! aunts, cousins, sisters, etc...)

and that about does it. peace and be good!

December Daily - Day 10

2010-12-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

gosh. this is a tough one. let's suffice it to say, it's one we've made. i can't talk about it publicly for quite sometime. but you'll have to trust and believe me when i say, it's fabulous, it makes the most sense yet in our life, and i can't wait for it all to become a reality. (insert big cheesy grin. and NO. HELL NO. i'm not pregnant.)

December Daily - Day 9

2010-12-21T22:55:00.000-05:00

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

ok - taking a hall pass on this one. i don't really have many IRL friends. i don't do the social scene anymore. i don't get invited to parties. (do i doulbe dip and not know it?)

but dear GOD - our Millenium New Year's eve party? BEST ONE EVER. hands down. love and miss you Ted, Sylvia, Brett and Rich!!!!

December Daily - Day 8

2010-12-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

i am strong. i am kind-hearted. i am witty. i am extremely sarcastic. i am proud. i am human. i make mistakes. i strive to do better. i am funny. i work hard. i am too serious. most days. i am a chronic worrier. i am creative. i am an artist. (not in the paper form) i am a curvy woman. i have beautiful lips. my hair is too thin. my legs are too short. i am not afraid to cry. i yell. i get angry. i do not lie. i pride myself on integrity. i don't like my body right now. but i will again someday. i never feel like what i do is enough. but i know someday, i will be ok with that. i am working very hard to let go of perfection and embrace imperfection. i am ashamed of some of my behavior. i love to make my best friend laugh. and i'm good at it. i have a wonderful soul. if only people would take the time to feel it.

i could go on and on about how i am beautifully different. because aren't we all? one thing i've always known in life, is that i am different. i grew up in a generation when divorce was just becoming the in thing. i was a latch key kid. i was a child model. i was an actress. we lived in a swanky neighborhood. i was all of these things. and they were all different. i've never been one to berate myself or be hard on my looks or exterior beauty. i can honestly say, i do think i am beautiful, and i don't feel vain for an instant in saying so. yeah, i'm overweight right now. does that take away my beauty? nope. yup, i might not any longer be on the cutting edge of fashion - does it bother me? nope. i'm a mom. i don't have time for that shit. i can rock a pair of jeans, cute knit top and an awesome pea coat, and still feel like a rock star. because at the end of the day, my kid will often tell me.. "momma, you're beautiful. just the way you are." this lights me up.

i think i can manage to light people up with my wit, my good heart, and my selflessness. one of my biggest problems my husband tells me is that i worry too much. while yes, i do.. is it really such a bad thing? i often might worry about others. but that worry might cause me to stop for just a moment. on that right day. at that right time. and say a little prayer for someone who at just that moment, might need it. because someone else might have been too self-indulged to notice. i am a firm believer, it's the little things that matter and count. and if one small thing i do can make a big difference in someone else, my work here is done.

to me, i am beautifully different in too many ways to recount. i think we all are. what's your take?

December Daily - Day 7

2010-12-21T22:39:00.000-05:00

I lost my way. life happened. things get in the way. and i'm finding my way back to good. in the interim, i'm always true to my word. so i'm going to plug through these prompts, because along the way, i inspired my sweet friend miss lori. so this is for you, miss lori.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

i have discovered community mostly virtually this year. i thought for a brief moment, in the wake of a fire in the neighborhood - where a family lost everything, i'd discovered community. but even there, i found boastfulness, uncomfortable pride, egos, and a keeping-up-with-the Jone's if you will. i gave up. gave up trying to befriend my neighbors. gave up trying to be a part of this small community. for us, we are just taking up space in this neighborhood for now, on our way to something better. something great. all in due time.

virtually, i've discovered community. i've seen it for the greater good. my friend trish who i just met this year - rallied in an online community for a close personal friend of hers - her daughter molly was facing life threatening illness. trish is a SAHM with more on her plate than one person should handle, and she's out raising money and spreading the gospel to help save molly. and in the grand scheme of things? i think trish had a part in something pretty damn remarkable. all because she didn't give up. trish reminded me what friendship should feel like. what doing something nice for someone you barely know - without expecting anything in return - really should feel like. her small act of kindness towards me? allowed me to feel like a million bucks for a few days. i don't think she knows how wonderful that was for me at a time when i felt pretty crappy.

this is a tough one - because i want to be part of something more. something bigger. more community. more. listen to that word. i bet it's going to come up more on this blog.

December Daily - Day 6

2010-12-07T20:17:00.000-05:00

so the day went like this. well - rewind to a brief moment the night before, at bedtime, the little one said, "momma, i'm cooooold." she who is never cold, momma knew it was time to call the doc monday morning. fast forward - monday morning.

wake up. more snow. by monday, it had snowed for three solid days. i called the doc. great, 1100am appointment. it's 900am. it will take me just that long to get ready, un-bury the car, and get out the door with enough time in the event the roads are still bad. the car. is. buried. and i do mean buried. see?

you can get the perspective looking at the windshield where i already started shoveling...

here's a view of the backyard. the snow is just inches from the bottom of the swings. this is NUTS!

we get to the doc. swab the throat. the minute the swab hits the test strip, it turns pink. positively STREP. wonderful. we head to mc d's for shakes. because all girls with strep need a shake. go get prescription. at this point, she's becoming listless and pretty much out of it. we get home, she has a grand mal meltdown over lunch, i get her all setup on the sick couch. i head upstairs for something, come back, and she's passed out. she sweats through two sets of clothes today. poor peanut. i miss most of the day of work. work from the couch while she's snoring.

hubby comes home, heads to sub for someone on a bowling league. decides to try and see what it feels like to be a nascar driver huggin the wall on a turn trying to take first, and rides the guardrail in my car on 690 for a wee bit. going 30 mph. he's safe. the car is not too bad, and no one else was hurt. but nonetheless, other "noise" in our lives we just didn't need right now.

our december is not necessarily gettin off to the grandest of starts. but reverb10 asks:

December 6 – Make.

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
(Author: Gretchen Rubin)

make. that was something i took part in this past weekend. making some STUFF. i attended a last minute crop with some dear friends on saturday and was pretty darn inspired and happy. i made a CHEZ inspired wreath...

not as gorgeous as my inspiration... but i'm trying!

and a card - all my own...

all K&Co... a sweet lil card i'm quite pleased with. I just slapped some stuff down...

(no - i do not have freakish girl crush on said chez, she just pretty much rocks, is all.)

i am a scrapper, so of course everything i made was with paper, umm what else? and i was lucky to have won a challenge at paper issues that hooked me up with more k&co than i can handle... but dang if i didn't handle it!!! i think i have about 4 sheets left! weather is awful, so i can't get a good pic of the sweet little banner i made... hopefully tomorrow... but the wreath and card... i think came out ok?

the last part of that question, what is something you'd like to make but you need to clear some time for it? i would like to make some fabric goodies. time is not normally an issue, but fear of screwing up with fabric keeps me from just diving in... well - that and not knowing my sewing machine well enough to just wing it. oh well, there's always next time, right?

what have YOU made lately? link it up here, tell me! i'd love to see what you've got goin on around the holidays!

peace and be good.

december daily - day 5

2010-12-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

ahhh sweet sunday. and i wish i had my camera on my bedside when i woke up today...but alas, no pics again today. too busy being present.

wow. this day was truly fabulous. i was woken up to a sweet, sweet girl that asked me if i wanted breakfast in bed. well, hullllo? who doesn't? about 15 minutes of a snooze later, she comes back in with a bowl of raisin bran, a cinnamon muffin that she and daddy baked, and a water bottle full of milk, all on her dora tv tray. she gave it to me, then looked at me puzzled and said, "can i share with you?" she ran like the wind back downstairs, grabbed her own spoon and another muffin and came back up.

we sat across from each other, indian style, eating raisin bran. she kept telling me she loved me. she missed me (i was at a crop the whole day before). we got done, she asked if she could get into the "nook" and just hug me and tell me she loved me all morning long. umm, hullllo? of course! get in the nook sister? (this is me on my side, curled up, and her curled into my legs and belly and just snuggled in a ball, facing me. love this) we must have laid in bed for about another 1/2 hour. pure bliss. she then left, and let me sleep for another 2 hours.

i finally woke up to a snow storm. we needed groceries. we had no choice but to brave it together! the prize for being good with momma? a day of craftiness in the studio! BOY - was she ever good! a stop at aldi's, then dollar tree, then home for crafts. we spent about 4 hours just playing and making stuff in my studio. was just awesome - and of course, blaring the christmas tunes the whole time!

this is what holiday weekends are all about. and this is what i'm reaching for this season. letting go of the past, and making memories of the present. i can do nothing else. and over at reverb10 - coincidentally, today the prompt is:

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

wow. a huge one. i have let go of many people and what people think... i have let go of the pain it causes me that they really don't take the time to know me. i've let go of the little girl i used to be, let go of the adult persona i'm "thought" to have.

this has led me to think about judgement. judge me not, for you've not spent the time getting to know my adult self. you've not taken the time to know my life and what really makes me tick. you've not taken the time to see that i'm responsible, passionate and strong. you've not seen how i can take a house and make it into a home. you cannot see how passionate i am about my daughter. you don't see what i enjoy, what makes me tick. you've not witnessed the success i have in my career. you don't see how much i care about others. you don't see that my home is very laid back and stress free (for the most part). you don't see that i don't tolerate drama. you don't see what a wonderful husband i have.

i've been on the receiving end of judgement a great deal the past several years. the hardest experience was a time i spent being judged my other women my age, also with small children and the same momma struggles. things were assumed about me, by a group of women i once thought were friends. i learned about these things and it took me months to regain my self-confidence. months. and these women still have no idea how harsh of a blow their materialistic, selfish, and sophomoric behavior affected a new momma just trying to make friends.

i've let go of these people. i've held my head high. and i've taken the high road every time. in doing so, i've spent a good deal of time alone save for my little immediate family, and you know what? that's ok. it's felt great, actually.

phew. ok. the reverb10 got heavy today. i like it. i say bring it on. right now.

peace and be good.

december daily - day 4

2010-12-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

day four in the advent calendar told kennedy that after work, she and i would make christmas cookies! i had no idea this simple little task would provide so much laughter and fun for the two of us! it was grand.

we baked, frosted, sprinkled and listened to christmas music all the while..

and just had a fabulous time. not to mention the cookies were fabulous!

see?

and over at reverb10...check it:
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

wow. this is a really tough one. i don't think i ever cultivated, really. i honestly feel like wonder presented it to me on a regular basis. a friend kicking cancer's ass, my daughter learning to read, a friend's twin, premature babies getting stronger every day and turning 1 year old. my best friend of 25 years marrying a man with four boys. 3 of them with special needs. this is wonder to see the love in that family.

the more and more i ponder this, i don' think you can really cultivate wonder. i think you need to leave yourself open for it and just see it in the everyday. it's all around you. the wonder in your child's eyes as they read their first book. the wonder she sees when she plays in the season's first fallen snow. it's all around you. all around me. all i'm doing to cultivate - is just seeing it.

it's that simple.

peace and be good.

december daily reverb - day 3

2010-12-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

there were no pictures taken today. it was the 5th day of a pretty rough week with my girl. it resulted in some breakdowns - her, me, the nanny. me again. oh and me again. dad came home, and laid down the law. it was a grounding for her of the technological kind, and she needed to give up three toys, which she will wrap and donate. you'd think we cut off her arms and took away bunny. but she was brave.

the three of us then proceeded to the book fair at school. what is it about the book fair that i always loved? i have to tell you, i am so very glad we went. dad was excited to go, and K got to dress up in PJs to go to school, as it was PJ night at the book fair, and since it was the last night - all the books were 25% off! score! we loaded up on some christmas goodies... classics even. love the book fair. love it.

so the 3rd reverb10 reads: (and it's a good one)
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

this one showed up in my mind instantly. it was this summer. we went away to hershey to celebrate kennedy's 5th birthday. we went to some caves and hiked down. when we were done and had hiked all the way back up, my husband told me he was proud of me. a year ago, my health was so bad, and i was so over-weight, i couldn't walk far or really do anything without an asthma attack breaking out. in may this year, i was about 40 pounds thinner, with asthma totally under control. and to hear your partner in life tell you they are proud of you? makes everything a little easier.

sometimes, it's just the little things.

peace and be good.

december daily reverb - day 2

2010-12-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

the 2nd day of december. not so good. kennedy clearly wanted santa to see, some days? you just can't hold it all together. her daily good deed, was to say a nice thing to a friend, just because. she said she didn't feel like it today. maybe tomorrow. oh blech. this too shall pass.

the 2nd prompt for reverb10:
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

you know. this was a tough one. i read this on the 2nd. i wanted to write about it just then. but i had trouble being honest with myself. trouble verbalizing that i don't do a good job making time for writing. making time for the one little simple thing that eases my mind.

then i realized, the things i do that suck this time away from me are technologically related. whether it be tv, facebook, surfing the internet - you name it, i allow myself to be sucked into it. each and every time. you'd think, working in a computer based job, i'd not want to see a computer after 500pm each day. so last week, i disconnected a little bit. not totally but a little. (which is why i'm late updating these.) :)

can i eliminate it? you betcha. will i? that's another challenge to be worked on. stay tuned.

peace and be good.

#reverb10

2010-12-02T13:12:00.000-05:00

i've joined. and i'm committed. and as per usual, a day late and a dollar short.

check it out here.

in a nut shell, from the site, it asks you to:
Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb 10, we'll do both

i really need prompts to help do this. i typically participate in ali's one little word, but tend to keep it very private and secret. somehow, i don't think this approach is working for me. i need to really throw myself into my writing and creative mind this year in order to feel whole again.

the first prompt this month is:
December 1 One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

(Author: Gwen Bell)
this is somewhat easy for me, as i've been sitting on what this word might be for me for several weeks now. i have been reflecting on the year, and seeing how i worked on my word last year. the word for 2010 was happy. to me, it meant, make room for happy. invite happy in for a cup of hot coffee and know happy. to stop working for happy. to just let happy be. i feel like i did - meh, okay. just okay. and for a bit of a perfectionist creative type, okay is never enough. it needed to be more. more happy. more joy. more welcoming. more easy. more natural. i needed MORE. hmmmm... are you feeling it with me people? MORE.

and there you have it. i'm sailing it out into the universe on a grey syracuse day. for 2011. i need more. i want more. i must have more. more happy. more joy. more present moments. more serenity. more peace. more time with my soul. more fun. i need more.

i hope you will join me on the reverb and all it will mean, along with my december daily posts. i'm back to blogging. more. by the time 2011 rings in new? more will be a habit. and happy will come.

peace and be good.

.

december daily - day one

2010-12-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

warning - picture heavy post!!

wow. it's really here. december. and didn't old man winter come in with a bang today, being the first day of december. i woke up to 62 degree temperatures, to ending the day around 400pm, with 32 degree temps and a wicked snow storm happening. only in syracuse, i suppose.

so - i've wanted to follow along with ali e and her december daily albums for years now, and just can't ever seem to make the time. i stock up on supplies. and there they sit. so i figured, this year, i'd blog about it. we've done a lot of festive stuff so far this season, and i need a place to document it all... so join me. and hopefully we can both get in the spirit.

this year, i explained to the hubby, i needed a joyful holiday season. it's not about gifts, parties, or cookie swaps to me. all those things require time that i'm not always willing to give, but often do so out of obligation. this year, it's about the number three. him, her and i. that's it. i want to continue building tradition. joyful, simple, tradition. so here's how it looks so far:

there's been lots of teaching...

and lots of hands on baking, all while getting dressed up to do so:

she insists we wear our aprons every time

We then braved the first cold, cold night after Thanksgiving, and headed to Clinton Square for the tree lighting. this was an awesome time for each of us!

summoning more snowflakes. it began to snow the minute we parked our car downtown.

dear sweet stranger who OFFERED to take a picture of us? i love you more than words. joyful.

saturday, we headed out to get the tree. was not an easy task. we ventured out to phoenix, following signs to a tree farm that we could never find, driving into a miserable snowstorm. ended up back in camillus in front of the town hall, buying from a cute little tree lot like you'd see in a movie. we love the camillus optimists club for sponsoring this tree lot and offered a Frasier fir for only 45 bucks. best christmas tree ever.

this was the one she chose.

and it's perfect.

we also put one up in her room...

pink. what else?

and then of course we HAD to have one in the play room... with the cutest lil pom-pom garland ever that i found at christmas tree shops...

the play room tree, complete with a little village and train tracks.

and somewhere along they way? this guy showed up. we don't know how he got into the house this year, but he's here for the season. watching. listening, and flying back to the north pole each night to report back to santa. i am sad to say? santa's not heard a good report yet. oi vey, what a rough week momma has had!

if you don't know the story of The Elf on a Shelf, go google it. you must get an Elf! We named him Eddie May.

And this week marks about the 9th week Kennedy has been in school. we had her conference about a week ago. her teacher said she is soaking things up like a sponge. she said she would begin to start breaking the kids into groups after thanksgiving, to work on reading skills and continue site word work. they need to know 30 before they can advance to 1st grade. Kennedy knows 24 of them. the teacher has only taught 10 so far. today was library day. she came home with this:

and read every single word. without assistance. this is an enormous first. one that had me in tears and one i will never, for a moment forget. the sound of her reading was as smooth as honey and even sweeter. it's all she does these days, read, write and ask how to spell things. phonetically, she is spot on with every single thing she tries to write. i want to scoop her teacher up and swing her around. it's amazing.

and that my friends, is how i kicked off december. not too shabby. and i am praying the joyfulness remains. because it's the little things like this, that make all the rotten things not so stinky.

peace and be good. see you tomorrow. where do you think Eddie will end up tonight?

signs.

2010-11-09T23:59:00.000-05:00

and as my friend, robin said, "the paradigm has shifted." i read an amazing blog post today from a woman i've admired "virtually" for several years now. her little daily truths speak to me these days. they resonate so deeply down inside of me most days, it makes me realize there is a higher power. something that puts me in the right place at the right time. that allows me to hear just the words i need to in order to fight, be consistent, persevere, and often times, step back just a bit and just be.

it will not be a waste of your time to venture here and read the post. i will tell you, you will be moved.

i have thought about this post all day. around 330, my husband called me. simply to see how my day was. and he asked if really.. was i ok? i told him truthfully... no. something was missing. he finished my sentence for me. he said, "are you bored? i think you're bored. you need more right now." and i loved him that much more for that. because he read my sign. because, yes, he's right. i'm tired of the predictable nature of our days. i need to be challenged. pushed a little more. we talked pretty deeply about this subject. and i think loads of good will come out of it.

and in the end? i will say it again: he read my sign. and he read it loud and clear in stereo. my sign today? "i'm doing the best i can, but i never feel it's enough." he came home, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, put our girl to bed. all to help me get out of the house to a PTA meeting. so i could shake it up a bit and on-bored myself. and he's slowly showing me more and more of his sign. and i love him even more for that.

be good.

CREATIVE TEAM CALL!!!

2010-11-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

Paper Issues.

You know you wanna.

Go.

Check it.

DO.

Because I said so, damnit.

It's going to be fabulous.

And you'll want to be a part of it.

Trust me.

on trying to go to bed...

2010-11-09T00:57:00.000-05:00

four times tonight. i've tried to head upstairs to go to bed. first i was my scrappy pals in chat. love them. then, it was hoarders. in total awe of that show. (i went and threw way a pile of mail that had stacked up) then it was my usual blog catch up. you see, i have this addiction to reading magazines and blogs. addicted. bad. and i have regular bloggers i have now followed for years. and so i read. and headed up to bed.

at which point, the girl woke up and wanted to get in bed with Dad. and didn't want to leave room for me. and started her two year old tantrum. to which i childishly stomped downstairs proclaiming.. "i'll just sleep on the couch". then, it was the kitchen sink. i had to empty it into the dishwasher. which meant i had to EMPTY the dishwasher. all because of the aforementioned bloggers.

some women who parent 4 times the amount of children as me. some hold full time jobs. some of them two. (what we like to call "real jobs" and then "creative jobs".) some are stay at home moms, which to me? is like a job in severe violation of the labor laws, if you ask me. no breaks, no lunch hours. 25/8 as i like to call it. (hats off SAHM!) some who fight daily struggle head on, with drive i'll never understand. it's when i read up on what these women are doing with their lives, i want to be more. do more. be a better momma. a more present momma. a less stressed momma. a more happy momma. more. (hmmm...i think i feel a OLW coming on for 2011!)

as i emptied and refilled that dishwasher, so many thoughts went through my head. the one task i hate the most, that brings my mother some kind of solace. she seems as though she enjoys it. and i loathe it. yet, i feel like i should be thankful to be able to do it. thankful we have food, that dirties the dishes that need to be cleaned in the dishwasher. and i am. don't get me wrong. but it leaves me thinking, maybe i'm not doing enough. so i push myself to do more. i volunteer now with the pta. and tonight, at about 400pm, i started freaking out over a meeting i had at 630pm. thoughts like: how will i be ready in time? what about dinner? what about not letting everyone know sooner that this is what i wanted to do tonight. is it enough? and i pushed myself.

i was ready in plenty of time. i started dinner. i got everything else out to go with - so there was no guessing on the part of the husband. and i left the house on time, with time to spare for coffee. and it was enough. dinner was decent, and everyone ate. and i came home to brownies being baked in the oven. and a plate covered and warm on the oven just for me. and it was enough.

stay tuned for my focus on attempting a joyful holiday season. simple, joyful holiday season. filled with things i want and need. the non-tangible things - unless being able to touch them on my heart counts.

peace and all that other stuff.

I have issues...

2010-10-26T22:31:00.001-05:00

i have high expectations of people.
i expect greatness.
i need to be crafty on a regular basis.

SOOOOO... thank goodness i have some good, sweet, smart, crafty girlfriends to hand me tissues when the issues get to be too much. and push me to be creative.

and as proof of that? look what some of my girls are up to?

paper issues

the creative team here is sensational. they are a good group of crafty bitches who i adore. and i can tell you? i have high expectations of what's coming out of this new adventure. and can i assure you? it will be pure greatness. because i said so.

so - go check out paper issues and join the halloween linky party. tell 'em shelley may sent ya. become a follower. and love them. join them and share your issues.

be good and enjoy some pics of halloween crafts and such both old and new! enjoy!

my GOD she was cute! and look at the fancy logo on the pumpkin! hmmm.. wonder where momma works?

a quickie halloween card made with scraps!

another quickie with scraps!

our masterpiece last year! i think we need to make another this weekend! this was SO fun!

and this is the in-house decor this year! none for the outside this year!

pumpkins a couple of years ago. apparently i slept less or had more time when kennedy was 3??

KINDERGARTEN: The Words...

2010-09-16T22:54:00.001-05:00

for months, i'd been planning. what she might like to wear. what kind of shoes she might want. what type of backpack. attending evaluation. attending orientation. i signed up for the PTA. i volunteered for committees. we went on vacation. a bit of a temporary diversion. we got back. the knots in my stomach came back. i was slowly falling apart. kindergarten was less than 2 days away.

i waited two years and went through several surgeries to get pregnant. i carried Kennedy with me for 7 months in and out of airplanes while i traveled all over the country for work. we had Kennedy on our due date, and she was either taken care of at home, or right next door, and recently, back at home. she's been my sidekick since conception. she's the apple that never left the branch to my eye.

i'm ok being away from her. though it's hard? i travel for work, and we've gotten used to it. does not make it easy. but we are ok with it. she'd gone to 2 full years of pre-school. i knew she was ready. i've known since she was 2 and began writing her name without assistance at TWO - she was ready. it was the whole bus thing. i was not ready for that. how do i know she GETS to school? how do i know she makes it? how do i know she knows how to get home? there were all these "yes but, how do i"'s...

the night before, we got all ready. we took an extra loooooong tubby. this is the point, i started to cry. she looked at me from the tub and says to me, "mom? it looks like you are the one that is having a hard time with this. you just need to deal with it. i'm going to school. maybe i should draw a heart in YOUR hand." dad and i cracked up. we blew out her hair dry, we painted nails. we got all spiffied up and beautified for the big day. she requested being all pinked up. i obliged of course.

the day came. she was so over the top excited. i was too, but with great reservation. my stomach hurt. like physically, actually hurt. we had breakfast, talked about the day ahead. went over the bus rules again, her address, her teacher's name, etcetera. she was SO ready. i went up to work.

she had lunch, i came down, got her ready. we curled her hair, got all pinked up.

brushed teeth. dad came home to not miss the special day. and we waited. and waited. and waited some more. the bus was almost 30 minutes late. as it came down the street. i started. the tears welled up. the bus stopped, she gave a quick hug and kiss.. and all i got was "BYE MOM! I LOVE YOU!" i think she bounced onto the bus.

as i looked up to see her lil head, barely visible find a seat, i caught a glimpse of the other lil girls. they were all teary eyed, red faced. sad. so very sad looking. i blinked. looked up again. there was my angel, in her seat, looking out the window. smile beaming for days. waving and blowing kisses to me. heart drawn in her hand. and mine. and the bus drove away.

i lost it. i physically hurt. i just stood there. in awe. and i actually felt as though something was being ripped from my insides. i was not the same that entire day. i cried on and off all day. it came time for the bus to come back down the street. i cried again as i saw it turn the corner. then thought - what if she got on the wrong one? the bus stopped... she bumbled down the steps yelling... " MOMMMMA!!!!!" with a huge smile on her face still.

and all was right in my world again. this child LOVES school. she NEEDS school. she is READY for school. she talks about it each day when she gets home. she LOVES her teacher. she loves gym, and art, and music class.. oh and the library. all of it. and this week? for the first time ever. something new. she was bitten. bitten by some little shit of a child, for no apparent reason - so says the teacher too. i explained to kennedy, she did all the right things. she told the teacher. the biter was scolded.

today, she came home from school. i asked her... "how was the biter today? did she bite you?" she told me she did not... i said..."was she nice to you today?" kennedy told me, "because she does not know how to be respectful of me and act like a five year old, i won't talk to her again. she can't be my friend."

i told her - "good. and if she bites you again? drop her."
she said - "yes, momma. she bites me again? i will show HER who's boss."

school is grand and she's adjusting just fine.

be good. peace.

new

2010-09-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

loads of new things going on around this neck of the woods.

i'm a guest designer here this month. check out the goodness. pure pure goodness. love this community of women and crafters. amazing inspiration here. and rockin deals at the online store.

i went on vacation here last week for about 10 days. pure, sweet, organic love. art is everywhere. i love oregon and all bend has to offer.

whilst there, i learned to do this. empowered. truly empowered.

we hiked here. entranced. and here.

this weekend, i am spending with this rockin woman! can't hardly wait!

then we sent the girl to school. kindergarten for the first time ever. unreal. it's been a whirlwind of a few weeks. thoughts to come this weekend about school and the psychosematic pain my uterus felt putting her on that school bus.

just slow down

2010-08-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

so, this summer, we've begun planning for kindergarten. officially making the BIG step from toddler to little girl. the thing i struggled with the most? shopping for clothes. now, i remember, 32 years ago in my life, being quite the lil fashionista. i had matching shoes, earrings, hair accessories... the works. but i don't for a second ever remember my clothes looking like a grown up. or a grown up tramp, for plaid-mini skirts and knee-highs sakes!

what in god's creation is going on with the clothing industry these days? is it not bad enough that we've become such a technological society with pedophiles lurking around every website... we now need to succumb our young girls to clothes that look like they belong on a set of the soprano's in an evening visit to ba-da-bing? come on. i have 7 outfits for my daughter. 7. she will wear t-shirts, jeans, and dresses. and she will be conservative. and respectful of her body. until she is old enough to provide for herself and move out.

this little feat of shopping for clothes has opened my eyes as a parent of a girl. society has become sickened. i can't tell you how often i open facebook, and oh look, there's another boob shot of a 13 year old girl. or look, there's a diatribe of who loves who and hate all over the internet. nauseates me. as a parent, it is our job to teach self respect. self discipline. self motivation. empathy. respect for others. braveness. encouragement. it is MY job as a parent to my daughter to empower her to love herself enough that she doesn't seek the love via other channels.

my five year old is very concerned with fashion. and as i learned last night, also, already commenting on body image issues. watching a ballet video on youtube... "momma, i'll never be that skinny." my response? i stood up and said, "look at momma. is anything wrong with momma's body?" she responded, "no momma. you are beautiful just the way you are and you always will be." and reminded her.. "and so are you." daily i am ingraining in my daughter... it's what is on the inside that truly matters most. i tell her, at five.. if your heart is not full, and warm, and beautiful... it doesn't matter a minute what the outside looks like. hopefully, she gets this message.

and when she's about to enter the 7th grade, she'll still want to shop at the GAP and where khakis with argyle sweaters. because her heart will still be so full, her outside will still continue to radiate an uncommon beauty. a selfless soul, full of empathy, self-respect, and female empowerment.

peace.

the ladybugs visit & suicide

2010-08-04T20:49:00.000-05:00

and while normally, one would be grossed out by bugs in the house - no one ever is with ladybugs. they are supposed to be good luck. they are cute. i was intrigued by them. they came for a visit. to my studio. they hung out above my head, all night, while i created stuff into the wee hours of the morning. they would move, crawl around, but always managed to end up right back above my head. felt as though they were lookin down to see what i was making. i felt inspired. yup. by two lil bug-a-boos. today, when i walked back into said studio? ladybug suicide.

that about summed up my day.

the last several weeks have been rough. personally, professionally, creatively. i finally realized it was up to me to make it shift. i'm the only one in control. i'm the only one who can fix what's "off" within. so i did. i reclaimed my tuesdays. you see, the husbands have golf league, or a bowling league, or in another week, i'm told... football season starts. god help me. so i took tuesdays. it's my night. it's my bowling league if you will. i did this for about a year solid, and i would often find myself in a class of some kind, at barnes and noble sippin a mocha, readin some mags, wandering aisles of target while things leapt off the shelves into my cart - who cares? was MY TIME! i did things that made me happy. simple things. really simple. so i took it back. last night.

and i had visitors. the ladybugs. and it was grand. we drank chai tea, we shut my studio door, and we created. i had the best evening. i made one layout and started an altered printer tray from 7Gypsies. scrappingoodness, i tell ya! i have been sper, duper inspired by some lovely women at scrapgal . such an awesome group... that's really where the mojo started... but i over-did it. i stayed up too late. and today was rough. ladybug suicide and all.

kennedy woke up in a mood of sorts which caused me to take away a "lovie".. you'd think i cut off her right arm and fed it to her for breakfast. she cried, she screamed, she wailed, she kicked, she convulsed, and it all ended with her hyperventilating. all over a damn stuffed bear. Pink Bear - her sister - she tells me. she broke down, we made up, i calmed her down. the child is just out of sorts. and so we go. ladybug suicide.

i just am happy this day is over. thankful i get to do it all over again tomorrow. i have to have a ct scan tomorrow morning... say some prayers for me. i am grateful i have insurance to cover these kinds of things, grateful to have a job. blessed to be stressed. but i will be even happier if tomorrow, there are no ladybug suicides.

peace. be good.

under construction...

2010-08-01T19:49:00.001-05:00

attempting to re-design blog.. please excuse the mess.

Dear Kennedy - August

2010-08-01T19:28:00.002-05:00

Dear Kennedy,

I hope to God that August brings you not only a shift in the weather, but a divine shift in your attitude and outlook on your little life. In the last several days you have:

yelled at us
hit us
hissed at us
growled at us
stomped at us
screeched at the top of your lungs at us
thrown things at us
told me you'd never speak to us again
told me us didn't like us
disobeyed us
been un-thankful towards us
been downright hateful towards us

these last several weeks it has been very difficult for me to parent, be consistent and set expectations with you. you wake up angry. pissed off at the world. i have tried everything to combat this. i have tried to wake up hours before you, so that you don't storm into my room, screaming at me telling me to wake up now and beginning your day with a barrage of i wants.

tonight? i have had it. i am done. i am exhausted. i am beat down. i am tired. i am worn out. i allow myself to feel like it is not okay to feel any of this. that i should just let it go. not let it get to me. ignore it. what is not understood by some is that if i do any of this, it allows the behavior to perpetuate and become a habit for you. i refuse, with all that i am, to allow that to happen.

although all of this horrible behavior from you has beaten me down so low, i feel like i am incompetent, one thing remains consistent, i have never once, even for an instant, stopped loving you. i just don't understand you. i can't comprehend what in your little big life makes you so angry. you have everything. you have two parents who rise and set each day because you exist. we do everything for you, with you. we play, we explore, we try new things together. we read, we make art, we watch movies, we experience life with you. we constantly give to you. of ourselves, our time, our very being is yours for the taking. if you'll just have it.

i don't know what more i can do, but show you tough love. i will continue to take things away from you and restrict you until you learn. i will continue to enforce the positive behavior in such a way you'd think a circus came to town, but i will not, for an instant, ignore the negative behavior. i will deal with it, you will not like it, and i don't care. because i love you. and i insist you become a good person. a sweet person. a respectful person. an empathetic person. a likable person. because i will not accept anything less from you. someday, this will all make sense to you. for now, you will, i guess, think i'm horrible on the best of days.

i just hope it shifts very soon. momma cannot tolerate too many more bad days like this. again, i've never stopped loving you, not even for an instant. i have a mad, crazy love for you that grows stronger every moment. never forget that.

love with all my heart,

momma

something is shifting...

2010-05-27T22:13:00.002-05:00

...and i don't understand it. and it's making me angry. see - i've been working really hard. working to be better. to be a better me. a better momma. a better daughter. a better wife. a better friend. things have begun to fall into place. life is easier. happiness has found a place by my side. i notice the little things. i take it all in. and i'm enjoying the moments found.

however, all around me? it's shifting. i have witnessed loss, deception, pain, fear, anger, sadness. my heart breaks for things i have no control over. goodness has shifted into my soul - and yet around me, it's seeping away. i have an urgency to do more. to contribute. to make a difference. more so than ever.

i've been crying a lot lately. but something has shifted. it's not tears for myself. it's grief i'm feeling for others. i want to be selfish for a minute and think: maybe now i'm able to do so because i'm no longer so self-absorbed in my own sadness. we'll go with that. i like that. and i'm pushed. i'm pushed to do more.

not quite sure what MORE is yet. but providing i continue on this new path of mine, something MORE will show itself to me. and i won't have to try so hard to find it.

be good, people. peace.

sweet sixteen.

2010-04-24T07:43:00.002-05:00

and no... i'm not talking basketball brackets or even a birthday. i'm talkin pants, ladies and gentlemen. pants. the last time my a$$ saw a size 16 was about 10 years ago. TEN YEARS. now i've not lost a whole lot of weight (about 40 pounds now) but holy crap. that's 4 sizes smaller for me. i was running anywhere from a 20 to 22... ssshhhhhhh! could never shop in misses. was forced to "womens" or the lame giant... i wanted to scream in the dressing room. i simply grabbed a 16 to see how much more i had to go. i put one leg in. pulled them up a bit, realized the other leg would also fit - and then they were up. on my hips. and zipped. without lying down to do it! holy CRAP-A-NOLIE! i am really losing weight. i don't so much care about a number i want to weigh. it's all about how i feel. my first goal was lofty - i wanted to weigh less than my husband. i now do! he's got about 7 pounds on me! my next goal, was to go down a pant size. holy crap! done that, too. now - my next small goal... get below 220. that's all. i'm oh so close. so that will be a piece of cake.

while i hope i'm not sounding boastful - i'm just sharing. i want everyone to join me. everyone who's struggling. i've become a distributor for Herbalife. this was simply so that i could get a discount, but hell, now you can buy from me and join me on this weight loss journey. i have another goal. when i am below 220, i plan to start moving my body. i want to start up a fitness challenge... not sure of how i'm going to do this yet... but stay tuned. and join me would ya? email me for more details... shelleymay@att.net

be good folks - and have a fabulous weekend!

american honey

2010-04-19T21:59:00.003-05:00

so - my daughter is a bit of a music junkie. at not-quite-five - her music tastes range anywhere from john mayer, regina spektor, to lady antebellum. i always thought the voice of a child was something to hear. something special, even when off key and singing from their toes, i always thought it was beautiful. until i realized my daughter could really, actually sing. it's magical. it takes my breath away, often moving me to tears. she has a freakish knack for memorizing song lyrics just like her momma. she keeps beat and rhythm. she can point out specific instruments in a song, and she doesn't even really know how to play one yet.

now, i like to somehow take credit for this on occasion as i sang to her while i was pregnant. a LOT. yet i am not a very good singer. i was the girl always cast in the non-singing lead roles in the musicals. could not ever carry a tune. yet - i sing like it's nobody's business. i'm a rock star. in the car. and in the house when no one is home. we have music playing each and every night still, when kennedy goes to bed. it's always on in the car.

i digress. the girl can sing. as i hear her belting things out from the backseat, i often notice lyrics floating up into my mind. this one recent fav of hers is american honey, by lady antebellum. she sings of "she grew up slow, she grew up goooood, like american honey." this resonated inside me tonight in a way it hadn't yet. it made me remember, be present. enjoy each little bit. allow her to grow up slow. don't let her get big too fast. she kept telling us at dinner tonight that she knew how to behave like a lady at a restaurant, because she was a big girl. and big girls can do whatever they want. slow down. be present. grow up slow. grow up good, sweet girl.

as things are finally beginning to shift in my life, i'm realizing more and more of the little things. the slow parts. taking it all in. letting it float around and savoring it like honey. i just need to remember now, slow down. be present. happiness just comes. it's not forced anymore. i will never forget something a high school sweetheart wrote to me many, many years ago - "i am beginning to thaw."

be present. be happy. and slow it down. like american honey.

refreshed. renewed.

2010-04-18T20:25:00.002-05:00

so - cliche as it sounds, dusting the ole blog off. facebook updates just aren't cutting it for me these days, and i feel the need to shout from the rooftops how incredibly awesome i am feeling these days.

i have this friend. lance. i used to work for his sister, heather. she's one of my best friends. my husband used to work for lance. we've all been friends for a very, very long time. as long as i've known lance, he's been a big guy. his whole family has struggled with their weight as long as i've known them. heather and i used to do weight watchers together. i lost almost 60 pounds on ww many years ago. fast. little did i know, at the time, i had grave's disease. quick weight loss was a side affect. i was just helping it along a little. life moved on, i got married, and the weight just kept on coming. i had thyroid removed, and the weight was even harder to lose. then pregnancy, then one health issue after another, the weight just stuck around. and packed on.

i've not felt good for years. meaning, miserable, depressed, out of breath... just plain fat. i was fat. and i was in denial. now, let me set you straight - i was not the binge, overeat kid of fat. i was the - i live a totally sedentary lifestyle and made really bad choices kind of fat. i have never been one to really eat in excess. i'm just a girl who knows a good scone and piece of cake! don't forget the french fries... oh and for the love of chips and dip.

i digress. lance. and his wife marlene.

i'd friended lance on facebook. i'd noticed lance started working out. i thought, wow - good for lance! then i'd noticed lance was really losing some weight. then he started shouting from the rooftops. so i got nosey. i emailed and asked him what he was doing. simple. herbalife. i'd heard about it before, i thought - ugh - another diet.. pills and shakes. blech. i doubted. i thought it had to taste bad and was probably overpriced. he pointed me in the direction of his wife, marlene. she assured me the smoothies were fabulous and tasted wonderful. so i said, heck - i've got nothing in the world to lose but some of my ass! :) so i ordered.

i visited lance and marlene's site. i ordered the 3-2-1 weight loss management which consists of smoothie mix, a multi-vitamin, and a cell activator. all natural. all vitamins. this was exactly three weeks ago. i have lost 11 pounds. ELEVEN! I have lost a total of about 37 pounds since December - as i got a jump start being sick over the holidays! i am on air! seriously. i can't imagine putting this weight back on. let me tell you a few of the things i've noticed... and this is no exaggeration:

i'm smaller. i am already down a whole size in clothing
i have energy. like the i can barely sit still long enough to blog kind of energy
the whites of my eyes look whiter
my hair is growing
my nails are growing
my skin has color back to it. i no longer look like a vampire
the circles under my eyes are gone
the blue in my eyes looks blue-er
did i mention i have energy?
i am tired at the end of the day (contemplating stopping the ambien)
i feel rested in the morning
i am genuinely happier. without trying
i find it easier to make better food choices
shitty food upsets my stomach. quickly
my skins feels better
i am taking things in stride (this never happens)

all in all, i hit bottom. i needed a shift in my life. the last time i remember weighing in at the doc, i was 267 pounds. there. i said it outloud. 267. sickening. this was in october, novemeber, and then again in december. and i denied it. never. again.

i will be checking in here, keeping it real, keeping it honest. i'm interested to have some folks on the journey with me. even going to become a distributor for herbalife. why not, right? the truth is in my waist line. and according to my daughter, kennedy: i'm gonna be one hot momma.

be happy.

dinner anxiety fading. it's a wrap people.

2010-01-11T20:23:00.005-05:00

so tonight was dinner planned night #3. wow. amazing as i went through my day today, i had little stress or anxiety over how the day was going to end. what a relief! AND - it was a stressful day - work wise. though i honestly would not have it any other way - as i constantly remind myself - i am blessed to be stressed!

i digress... tonight, i planned chicken wraps. monday nights are bowling nights for dh, so i like to try things i know he wouldn't care for. he leaves right about the time i get done with work, so it makes sense. the wraps were easy, simple, and healthy - all things considered. these wraps were quick, simple, and tasted down right delish. they were lacking a lil something, my mom and i decided next time, i would add some dried cranberries and a touch more seasonings... i paired mine with a spinach, pesto, olive wrap, but could also go with plain flour wraps.

CHICKEN WRAPS from "Delicious Suppers" (recipe serves 4)

2/3 C plain yogurt
1 tbsp wholegrain mustard
pepper
10oz cooked skinless, boneless chicken breast, diced
5 oz iceberg lettuce, shredded
3 oz cucumber, thinly sliced
2 celery stalks, sliced
1/2 C black seedless grapes, halved
flour tortillas of your choice (or yummy flavored ones!)

Combine yogurt and mustard in a bowl and season to taste with pepper. Stir in the chicken and toss until coated. Put the lettuce, cukes, celery and grapes into another bowl and mix well. Fill tortillas, and wrap it up - and the best part? ENJOY!

I have to tell ya - i am really, really enjoying this journey. three days of stress free evenings thanks to have a plan and sticking to it. i am really looking forward to growing in this area of my life. i know it sounds really simple - but this? THIS is a huge change for me. a big shift in the right direction. i've had anxiety over grocery shopping for almost 5 years now. meaning, i pull into the parking lot, my heart starts racing, and i have to do an internal pep talk to make myself face my fear and go INTO the grocery store. you see, i'd get very anxious and uptight in the grocery store. people leaving their carts in the way? BIG issue for me. big shift in a BAD direction for me.

i'm not quite sure how that developed, but i am fairly certain it came up some time during the period when i "hit bottom" as i like to call it with grave's disease. i developed short term (temporary) memory loss. i had to write down everything. simple things, such as, go to gas station. check. get GAS. check. go to store. check. take list. check. shop for items on list. check. one thing i didn't realize would happen, was that while in the store, once i remembered why i was there and what i was to do, was that i'd soon forget where my car was parked. so developed this huge anxiety over grocery shopping... due to one trip. one experience, that somehow, changed me for good. right before i had surgery, i went to the store to stock up on all the things i knew we would need while i was recovering for 8 weeks. i had hit bottom, my resting heart rate was 150 bpm, i was no longer sleeping, i couldn't keep food in my system, and here i was, at the grocery store.i barely got what i needed, left, and the minute i stepped outside, i realized... i could not remember where i parked. could not even recollect for a minute which row i went down. which side the car was on. forget it. and i started racing. my heart was pounding. i was going up and down every aisle, and i must have looked very frantic, as some sweet older man stopped to ask me if i was okay. i began bawling.. sobbing. telling him my life story, as he took the keys out of my hand, hit the panic button on the key fob, pushed my cart and said "follow me. i hear your car." this scared the shit out of me, and for weeks after, i was petrified to leave the house alone. thankful for the kindness of strangers.

bet you didn't expect all that and a bag of chips. but this is how my mind works. i hate the grocery store. it causes me anxiety. i don't plan for the trip. i always, ALWAYS forget LOADS of things i need for meals. i never take a list. i never plan. therefore, dinner is chaotic for me. and a scramble. but this simple shift in the right direction? good things. good friggin things. and it is... that's right people say it with me.. it IS OK.

peace.

the meals.. so far...

2010-01-10T20:48:00.004-05:00

the first night of meal planning was subs. i neglected to take pics. but they were quick, easy, and fabulous. wegman's deli rocks and they always have the best selection of meats and cheese. i picked up a half a pound of each - garlic & sage turkey, peppercorn turkey, & peppercorn ham. some awesome kaiser rolls fresh from the bakery - easy-peasy. done.

tonight was my night to try a new recipe. chili was fabulous. i used this recipe. not only was it easy? it was fabulous. i doubled it so i will have plenty of leftovers. i say I - because hubs did not like it and daughter did not either. oh well. more leftovers for me and a lesson taught to the girlie. if she does not eat what is served at dinner, she will not get anything else for the night. she will eat breakfast the following day. sounds harsh, but she will learn eventually. i refuse to cook many different meals. period. and that is ok. and it is me being MORE.

had to photo the chili ingredients, and then, after much drama about what was being served for dinner, i neglected to take a pic of the final outcome. you'll have to trust me.. it looked pretty and the cornbread was just like the real deal from the restuarant!

you must have things rolling around inside your head...

2010-01-10T20:13:00.002-05:00

as said to me by my husband when i was caught photographing the meal i was about to prepare. he just doesn't get it. i explained to him, i was "of the norm" in blog-world. he still - just doesn't get it. i just laughed and told him to leave me alone. i was thinking of a good blog post.

so - the new year. phew. it finally came. the holidays were a bust and i am SO glad they are over. many things in my life were confirmed and hit me like a ton of bricks. i took a good look at all of it, and finally realized and learned - how i feel about things? it IS ok. period. nuff said. i am no longer going to live a life hoping others will include us and make us feel welcome. i am no longer going to put my time and family aside to accommodate others schedules. i'm over it. and it IS ok. big, major life lessons learned. finally. phew. new year. stronger values. stronger commitment to be a better me. i follow Ali's blog regularly and have participated in her "one little word" idea each year. this year? MORE. more about us. more time. more organization. more play. more love. more of what we love. more confidence. more motivation. more acceptance of the things i cannot change. just plain more. more blogging. more creativity. more me so i can give more to them. more. i welcome it.

along those lines and that being said...

one thing i've always struggled with is meal planning. most of you that follow me, know i work from home full time. fabulous as that might seem, i do not sit around and eat bon-bons all day long. i do not get to do laundry and housework during the day. i am a slave to my job every day. working from home, you have an inability to shut the work off. it becomes tough to draw the line. and the worst thing? i don't have time alone, after work, to drive home, blare the music, stop for a coffee, and decompress from my day. that precious time is exactly that - precious. i get done with work, i shut off the computer, and i'm on. i'm mom. i shut the office door, walk downstairs, and there they are. everyone. waiting for me to decide what to have for dinner. waiting for me to orchestrate the evening. dinner, playtime, bath, preparing for the next day, housework, laundry. it just all waits for me.

i've taken a step to alleviate this stress from my world. i am committed to planning dinner menus out. this way, there is never a question. there is no double duty in meal cooking - making something different for everyone. here's the menu. you don't like it? you will go hungry until breakfast. done. so far - so good! we are past day two. here's my approach:

keep it simple
try one new recipe per week
write down the meals
make a list for groceries needed
STICK TO THE LIST
blog about it. (here's my accountability factor!)

here's the menu for the week. I will plan menus Saturday morning before heading to the store:

Sat Night - Subs and Chips with side of fruit (I opt for the good deli meat and buy 3-4 diff kinds to give everyone a choice)
Sun Night - Chili. Found my recipe for this on KraftFoods.
Mon Night - Grilled Chicken Wraps with a side of fresh fruit
Tue Night - Twice Baked Loaded Potatoes & Salad
Wed Night - Pasta & Salad
Thu Night - Pork Loin, Roasted Potatoes, Salad
Fri Night - Frozen Pizza & Salad

so that's what we've been up to. new year. more goodness.

keep checking back. i'm full of inspiration and ideas and might even tackle a project or two very soon.

peace.

wait for it...

2009-11-08T01:07:00.002-05:00

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...

"I'm like costco - I'm big, I ain't fancy, and I DARE you not to like me!"

2009-11-07T23:55:00.003-05:00

today? i found it. it left my side many many months ago. it broke up with me on a post it note, as Carrie said. A post it note, in the form of prescription. after perscription. after perscription. my ENERGY broke up with me. when he left, it was one infection after another. a diagnosis of asthma. introduce a nebulizer. and more meds. waking up each day feeling like i could not go on. this is honestly how i've lived day in and day out. i'd wake up sick. feeling old. achy. nausceous. sore. NO ENERGY. chest pains. racing heart. congestion so bad in my head, it caused my eyes and forehead to swell. my cheeks puffed and swelled from all of the steroids. i gained weight. i gained a TON of weight. i hurt. mentally. physically. emotionally.

well... looky here - i've lost a load of weight - 29 pounds to be exact... and wait for it.. wait for it... i found it! PRAISE JESUS! it's back! i have ENERGY. i have motivation. i have a desire to do things. to move. to play. i think the energy let itself in the back door, snuck up to my room while i was sleeping, and eased himself right back into me through my newly cleared airways. i honestly feel like i have a new lease on life.

i spent many months, mentally making myself actually go a tad bit crazy. all the things that were going wrong with my body? when i said them outloud, i seriously thought to myself.. people must think i make this shit up. i honestly couldn't make this shit up. that i want attention. i really don't. i like to lie on the downlow these days. so - i put this out there - into my sweet universe. if you know someone that has severe sinus problems... just understand. ask what you can do to help. until you lived with it so severe, that the doc tells you "the surgery was a rough one. i've never seen "matter" calcified to the insides of passages like yours"... don't slough off that person's complaints and malaise for a cold. and for God's sake and all things living, don't offer them a damn cough drop when they say they don't feel good.

i feel like shoutin off the rooftops... "Shelley's got her groove back...." but i'll wait a few days. i need a taller ladder and some warmer clothes.

look for more blog entries and inspiration in the future. and stay tuned for some pics, as i've got my studio cleaned up, my christmas inspiration corner in check, and i dare you not to listen to Christmas music every day, all day, from now till the glow of rudolph's nose leaves your neighborhood.

peace.

10 unfinished things hanging over my head

2009-11-03T20:26:00.004-05:00

so i googled... "daily blog prompts" and this was the first title that came up. funny.. because unfinished business is VERY heavy on my mind right now. so in a way of putting it out into the universe, so shall it be. below are 10 things unfinished hanging over my head... that i really want to put behind me:

my office. it's not a pretty place. and it once was. and should be. is full of inspiration, but void of any motivation. need to declutter and regroup.
organizing scrap embellishments. was done once. then a crop came. got all tore up again. needs to be finished again. won't take much time.
a place/folder/spot for all of school's comings and goings. i'm the mom that never knows what's going on at school. this is NOT good. (why is it none of the moms there talk to me, 'cept Missy of course. hmmm)
decorate bedroom. this has never been done. not once since i moved in with ron - gasp - almost 10 years ago. i've spent the last 6 nights alone in here, kinda like it that way. it needs to be a beautiful place.
unfinished conversation with husband. many things need to be discussed. and i need to get on with it.
unpacking from trips. i never seem to get this done and looking at my suitcase daily makes me want to run away.
my book i'm reading. it's good, just not making the time to finish it.
goals for my new position with work. it's been almost one year, and i've still not decided on goals. moving out of the "reactive" mode and moving into my favorite "proactive" mode.
Kennedy's room... it's taken on a life of it's own. time to reel it back in.
scrapping. reclaim this time in my life. i've not done it really since april. that;s disgusting. honestly disgusting. i need this. it makes me sane.

sounds like a lot? but really? when i read it? if i want any of it badly enough, i can make it happen in a weekend. if i start to feel better, this weekend might just be it!!!! now, off to sleepy land.

Random Blatherings...Hopped Up on Pain Killers...

2009-11-02T11:07:00.002-05:00

So - it's been awhile since I've visited the blog. I miss it. I like to write. Really. My issue? Time. not enough of it. Don't know how to manage it. Don't know how to stay ahead of it. Except this weekend, we've got an extra hour of it. Couple that with sleeping pills and some good pain killers... I feel like I've got loads of time. I feel like this is the longest 4 days of my life.

I had sinus surgery on Thursday. It will hopefully be the start to better health for me and an end to asthma. I want to get well and feel healthy... more than you know, sweet blog readers. This is an outpatient gig, with little recovery time, I thought. I had this done once before. I remembered very little, which told me recovery was easy and only a couple of days. Well - this time around, surgery was about 3 hours long. I was "pickled" with polyps and had a pretty good sized cyst in one cheek. I overheard the nurses saying my heart rate "freaked out" while coming out of anesthesia and they gave me some meds to bring it down. They kept me in recovery for about 2.5 hours. had me on oxygen the whole time. That tells me I had a bit of a rougher time coming "out of it" than normal. (I'm a pro at surgery - this is my 6th in 6 years.)

The pain was in control Thursday and Friday - and Saturday I think it all caught up with me. I was in and out of sleep and took lots of pills. The pain is like no other and can only be described as a horrific sinus headache coupled with the sensation that your teeth might fall out at any moment. Add in a good dose of vertigo, nausea, and you're all set for a party. I think I am passt the worst of it. I took today off from work as well, not listening to the Doc who said I needed to take the entire week off. I really should.... I've had WAY to much time to think and put things in perspective in the last 4 days.

So - this brings me to my next soapbox. The holidays. I have a REALLY tough time with them every year. I fake it most years by throwing myself into decorating and crafts. Decorations that no one ever sees, because I don't invite my family over. My father died 19 years ago this January. This simple fact makes it very difficult for me to embrace the holidays and BE PRESENT in the moments and ENJOY them. This year? I really am going to commit to myself to make it different. I think in order for me to do so, it will involve preparation and some organization. Making lists and sticking to them. Kennedy is finally at an age where she can really get involved. She will remember some small traditions we've started and she will really want to be a part of things... the decorating, baking, etcetera. She LOVES IT. So I'm thinking of doing the following beginning today:

blogging everyday - keeping it real - sharing.
Sweets on Thursdays - just one night a week for she and I to get messy and bake. I figure this will give us a chance to try new recipes and something to look forward to each week for both of us.
Muffin Tin Mondays - an idea i read on a blog that i just adore that would make one night of meal planning fun
December Daily Album - i am already planning much of this in my head and will gather everything by the end of this weekend - and getting Kennedy involved in this as much as possible
Planning Activities - like the Polar Express Train Ride in Utica, going to see Christmas Movies, Ice Skating downtown... taking it ALL in!
ENJOYING the little things. Sad - but we have to remind ourselves to do this...
working on my blog. Where/how can i create a fun background, title, etcetera? I am NOT tech savvy when it comes to digital elements.. so any tips or direction would be greatly appreciated!!! I need a fresh start!

So that's my random rant for today. It's a start. Excuse the randomness... pain killers are still cycling through my body and they feel goooood.

Happy November....it's only going to get better from here. Because I said so.

Dear Kennedy, Monday.

2009-09-21T20:21:00.004-05:00

Dear Kennedy,

IT WORKED! My letter into the sweet universe - WORKED. Well - for one day anyhow. I can't tell you what a PROUD momma I am of you today. Last night, before you fought bedtime, you said... "hey mom. i have an idea. how 'bout i sleep with no pull up tonight and maybe not wet my bed?" I explained to you that I felt this was a fabulous idea, and that you needed to sleep under the covers for a change. (weird issue with not sleeping under ANYTHING but haggard old blankie even when it's 15 below outside) I explained how you had a new mattress, with a new mattress pad, and that if you had an accident - which is OKAY - that we'd only need to change said sheet and mattress pad. You didn't agree. You opted for a pull up. This is still completely okay.

This morning, I woke up extra early, showered, got ready for the day and even got my own breakfast out of the way. By 7, you still were not awake. I went up to get you and you woke up like a new girlie! You were happy, eager to start the day. We came downstairs, changed the pull up - to find... YOU WERE DRY!!!! Completely DRY! I was SO excited. You had a completely, 100% problem free morning. You were excited to go to school, we left early so I could fill up with gas, squeeze in a car wash and we stopped at D&D.

After I dropped you off, Dad called to check in. Because I was out like a light thanks to my Ambien fix last night, Daddy informed me that he heard you up at midnight, you went potty by yourself and got right back in bed like a big girl. I say WAY TO GO LIL MOMMA! You're finally getting it! I was so excited with this progress, we stopped for milkshakes on the way home from school. You were STILL in such good spirits... I relished in it. This makes for a MUCH better day for momma too.

Nanna informed me after I "got home" from work you were an angel allll day!!!! Due to the annoying workers in our yard installing FIOS in the neighborhood (a whole other post for a WHOLE other day), we opted to go out to dinner. Your choice. Once again - you were angelic. Eating and behaving like a "little lady". Today - you make momma proud. I know tomorrow may bring out the other side, but for now, I celebrate you. (well - i celebrate you EACH and every day) I love you. I am amazed by you. I bask in your beauty and am in awe. Keep it up big girl.

xoxox

Momma.
(and ps... thanks for asking why momma is so sick. I wish we knew girlie. I REALLY wish we knew. maybe us putting THAT out into the universe will help. And girlie... I sure hope that I am better by Halloween, too. trust me.)

Dear Kennedy

2009-09-20T19:26:00.003-05:00

Dear Kennedy,

Tonight, you told Daddy that "I can't deal with Shelley right now. I've had it with her." At first thought, I really wanted to laugh. Inside, I began to cry hysterically. These last several months with you have been less than easy. You have become mean, almost downright hateful on some occasions. I question myself and my ability to parent, because the actions you portray, you really do not see at home. Though Daddy and I have difficult times, we don't fight, call names, hit, or say hateful things to one another. I battle my brain to find where you get this from. You get so frustrated so very easily over what seem like simple tasks. You hit. You throw things. You yell. You stomp. You growl. You slam doors. We, as your parents, don't do any of these things. Often times, you bustle in to my room before the sun has greeted me making unreasonable demands of me before I've even opened my eyes. When I sweetly tell you no and ask you to come snuggle with me for a bit, you scream, yell, and storm off and slam my door. My patience is very slim with this sort of behavior. I feel on edge most days, when you wake up in this manner. I shake, I lose my appetite, I cry. Almost every, single day. And no one see this either.

I want so much in this world for you, and will give my all to see that you get it. I want for you to learn grace under pressure and patience. I want for you to be kind and selfless. Sweet and compassionate. Giving. Helpful. Inspirational. I want you to know and love the simple things out of your life. I want you to learn what a sweet feeling it is to wake up to a sweet snuggle and hug and know that it really IS ALL Momma needs to start her day on the right foot. I want you to be happy. Simply happy. Because I truly believe once you have that, everything else falls into place.

I promise you I will always endure these sorts of periods in your life. Endless love. It's what it's all about. As you've already learned, we still love you even when you're naughty. We just don't like the behavior. I am putting this out into the universe, because then it will be off my mind. I want so much for you to grow past whatever this is you are currently going through. I want you to let go of all that makes you angry right now and just slow down and enjoy being four. Enjoy school, your new friends. You are so very smart and advanced for your sweet, tender age, that I really think at times, it fuels your frustration. You have so many things going through your mind at such a fast pace, I think it frustrates you that you can't break it all down so simply.

I want you to know that no, you CANNOT call me Shelley at any time under any circumstances, but I will always answer to Momma, Mommy, Mom or Ma. I am here for you. I will teach you by example and we will grow through this together. But I just want you to know, it doesn't mean I have to like your behavior right now. Not. One. Single. Bit.

I love you.

Momma

TODAY...

2009-07-20T08:05:00.002-05:00

I found this on Ali's blog ages ago - and don't remember the proper credit - but girl - the blog who i stole this from - i LOVED reading your many today's! (If anyone can tell me the originator of this - please do!) Anyhow - it's a nice way to start my Monday... being reflective and a but grateful. This weekend was good. Not fabulous - but getting there - so we will leave it at good. I'm still fighting this brnochitis from 3 or 4 months ago. Still not feeling 100%. Taking some new meds which are giving me headaches. However - I started the weekend with seeing a rainbow, having some fun time outdoors with the girlie and our new pup, some shopping with Mom, a little UFC gaming with the hubby and then an awesome day with the girlie on Sunday baking and just tooling around the kitchen. Topped it off with an awesome bbq meal made by moi.... yumm-o - Citrus Baja Chicken, Corn, and garlic bread - all on the bar-b. Here's hoping for a fabulous week!

For Today...

Outside my window... almost blue sky, a cool, calming breeze, birdies…

I am thinking... how easy it is to be miserable and why being happy couldn’t be that easy?

I am thankful for... peace and quiet and the ability to earn a living from my home.

From the kitchen... muffins, homemade lemon bars and left over yummy chicken begging to be turned into a chicken salad for dinner… oh and a dirty kitchen floor. Blech.
I am wearing... flip flops, grey t, and jeans

I am reading... piles of management books…

I am hoping... to embrace this summer and play like I’ve never played before.

I am creating... ideas in my head to put into action…

I am praying... for peace of mindAround the house... piles and then organized things – how is it possible to have both? There are also lots of projects to be done…

One of my favorite things... Mondays. Lately – this is my quiet day – a time to plan – reflect and start new. I’m so thankful I get this every eighth day!

A few plans for the rest of the week... see what I’m hoping for above and – a trip to the market – grocery shopping, work and more work and finding the time to fit in reading those piles of management books so I can get caught up on my classes!

My First Time - In SEVEN Years...

2009-06-20T21:23:00.002-05:00

Hosting Poker Night - that is!!! It's one of those little things I've always looked forward to being a wife - hosting superbowl.. hosting game night - anything - something.. and this was the first time since we've been married that we hosted! And I have to say - it could not have been better... 7 good lookin men in my house - all showing up right after work with hungry bellies... and LOVED my goodies I made. I really spent just a little bit of time prepping everything - but it was oh so fun! I made:

Tortilla Roll Up bites - 2 diff variations - one with ham, lettuce, chive cream cheese, the other with Cajun Turkey, Chipolte Cheese Spread - then rolled up, cut into bite size pieces.. easy - simple - and oh so yummy!
BLT Dip - another easy one - sour cream - mix in some onion powder and garlic, top with Peppercorn bacon, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes! service with Ritz Chips.. YUM-O!
Ro-Tel Dip - Velveeta melted - dump in a can of Ro-Tel... DELISH!
Cheese Cake Brownies

The entire night - I kept hearing - "Dude! Your wife ROCKS!" or "Man - i don't think my wife would EVER do this for me" and " Man - you've got to host poker ALL the time now!" and then twice (and i don't think they knew i heard this) "Dude - his wife ROCKS! too bad she's taken!" hehehe was AWESOME! Especially Kennedy's every 15-20 minute trips out to the garage to say "Hi boooooys... how's the poker going???" THEY LOVED HER!!!

I hope the guys know I did all that because I honestly enjoy it and really hope they all come back for a visit again soon!!! (I took 2 pics - will post tomorrow!)

On another note - it's been raining in CNY for I dunno - three days now? ICK! It's just enough to make everything a lil teeny tiny humid - but not much.. and a lil cooler at night - which is awesome. I spent the day with my mom today.. took her to her hair appointment, tooled around some thrift shops... then lunch at my now most favorite place... Olives... the BEST Panini EVER...Turkey, Cranberry, Brie, and a thin slice of Granny Smith apple.. oh sweet heaven. I wish I had my camera with me to take a pic and share - it's REALLY that friggin good!!!

Practically stole a 4 foot by 3 foot frame from Hobby Lobby this week and this weekend I went to Lowes and got peg board to fill it with. I will be hanging this in the studio for tool storage.. will certainly post a pic when complete.... I can't wait! Now I just have to determine... do I want to go with a black/pink/white decor theme in the studio - or simply shabby chic? Shabby is really my fav and a dream - and i don't think i will ever get away with it in any other room of the house... so... still pondering...

that's about all for now. enjoying some ice cream now, a move - The Pursuit of Happyness.. and then sweet, sweet slumber. happy weekend all - AND - Happy Father's Day!!!

peace.

dusting the ole blog off...

2009-06-17T23:13:00.004-05:00

and hopefully garnering some inspiration. been working on it. been savoring it. just ready to get it out of my system! i like donna downey's idea of reaching out creatively on wednesdays. so here's my frist attempt. blogging. i've missed it. i think i've needed it. much like i've needed my ipod. i finally popped that bad boy back in to get through the work days - and woah! what an improvement! i am working on my studio this weekend. getting everything in it's place and a place for everything. i think that will really awaken the creativity that has squandered. i leave you for now with an awesome quote i found on ali e's blog... love this:

Your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinion drowned out your own inner voice. Most imporant, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~Steve Jobs

and i leave you with eye candy.. enjoy. and i'll be back real soon. promise.

ah.. spring. how i love thee.

2009-03-23T08:16:00.002-05:00

ah spring. your little buds pushing forth from the frosty earth. the signs of what is to come. anticipation of the summer ahead. spring - just come on out and make your appearance already. stop teasing us. i'ts just plain not nice. there are so many signs of you right now, but nasty mr. winter keeps pushing you aside. i think - no - i KNOW - this is it. you'll be here this week.

many things making us happy right now. right this moment.

a tax return. ahh. renewed.
planting seedlings in a little coutnertop green house and watching them grow - literally - right before our eyes. we've got sunflowers, morning glory, tomatoes, lavendar. can't wait to get these in the ground.

fresh cut flowers from the market. in multiple rooms. happiness.

smiles. in spite of having pneumonia, colds and the flu in this house - still seeing plenty of smiles.

summer just around the corner.

school - ahh how we loooove school these days.

being home. we've made this place a home and i just love waking up in it every stinkin day. love it.

finding balance with work. the chaos is finally coming to a close. sweet Jesus in the morning. i'm finding balance. and no longer feel as though i'm suffocating.

sweet blog readers - i'm trying to find the words. and this is healthy for me. so i plan to be back more often. going cropping with some girlfriends this friday. i am pulling up my boots and being a bigger person. i have a retreat to go to the following weekend and i've been all sorts of scrappy this weekend past. pure goodness.

peace.

wow. the words. yup still finding them...

2009-02-12T23:30:00.004-05:00

until then - enjoy a listed update of sorts:

i've been promoted. huge. my days are like no other. i don't know how to manage my time. i'm working ever so hard to manager my team. i want them to succeed. the growing pains are hard. for all of us. i'm humbled by the new gig in spite of the economy. proud of myself. i worked hard for this. i deserve this. (still don't fully believe it - buti'm getting there)

we've moved. new house. new year. new start. i friggin love my new house. friggin love it. my studio/office is the bonus room. yeah - think size a two-friggin-car garage. huge bonus for momma. did i mention i love this friggin house? it's clean and free of mold and drafts and other unweildy things we won't bring up.

K started a new preschool. she loves it. i love it. it's art. it's music. it's freinds. it's learning to be a better girlie. the old - was not what we needed. i don't think religion and school belong together. i never fully understood it until now. there is a time and place for everything, and memorizing bible verses is not going to get my girl far in kindergarten. i know that's a harsh political statement. keep your opinions to yourself. this is my blog. ;) this pic has nothing to do with this statement, but it's damn funny.. beauty rest mask, hello kitty tent, water bottle, portable dvd player, sleepy abg, and pop-o-corn... nothing could be better on a friday night.

i am sick. again. see above statement. new preschool> new grimy toddler germs.

getting settled - loving it. excited to make the new place a home. cozy. and warm. lots of new things. loving this life.

i spend my nights as i lie in bed, praying like the dickens for a dear sweet friend of mine and her mother. love love to you sweet sweet friend.

that's it really... when i figure out how to better manage my days as a supervisor to 11 people... perhaps i can fit in blogging in the wee hours before anyone in the house is awake. pray for me.

peace and all that other good stuff.

looking for the words...

2009-01-14T00:41:00.002-05:00

and once i find them, i will be back to regularly scheduled programming. lots going on here and really just no time.

peace.

An Update and some JOY

2008-12-16T00:39:00.007-05:00

a pictorial update of sorts and ramblin musings of one tired momma. and it's been since - yes OCTOBER - since i've taken the time to upload photos and because cold medicine gives this momma insomnia. so bear with me. a long, rambly - but CUTE post pictorial!

because every princess on all hallow's eve needs an up-do - Momma makes sure she gets one!
and an up-do turns my sweet girlie into the Princess she was meant to be...holy cute goodness. even her SHOES lit up blue!i somehow squeezed in some time to be crafty...completed some DT Assignments for my LSS... i've been SO neglecting my lovely hobby...
cranked out a few cards. NOT Christmas cards - just some one off cards with scraps. agian - no TIME!

we survived thanksgiving. my mom made it here safely from california and is SLOWLY getting settled in. we've transitioned K to being at home with Nanna full time and that makes for a MUCH happier household. I tried to find some Christmas Spirit - but what i found was another sinus infection, coupled with an ear infection for good company.

and because every Princess REQUESTS a flocked, pink tree with pink lights and pink sparkly ornaments, and sparkyl birds and sparkly butterflies, Momma obliges...(Spends time picking it all out, coordinating the ornaments and such just SO.. spends an HOUR decorating a 4 foot tree in said Princesses room, to find that when Princess goes to bed that very night, to sleep a sweet sleep under her pink sparkly tree- she exclaims to Daddy - "GET THAT THING OUTTA HERE...") Momma obliges HAPPILY because one day, Momma will look back and LAUGH... and know that never a wish went ungranted for a sweet, sweet princess! (ETA: this tree now adorns an antique steamer trunk in my dining area to greet ALL guests who enter. thank GOD they are few and far between... since this tree SCREAMS brothel, complete with feather boa tree skirt! hehehe)

proof we got Nanna settled - we remodeled our 1970's man cave for her! a spare bedroom that had paneling complete with acoustic tile ceiling. CLASS-E! K helped with the painting. oh boy - was she hot stuff! Just LOOK at her mad skillz!!!Then we FINALLY put up our tree. I have yet to take completed pics. but totally plan to. because some day i will complete the december daily i so painstakingly planned for this year. someday. (note to self: learn in 2009 how to take night time photos PROPERLY!)

ad we've been musing on this lil character ALL WEEK! yes i'm THAT neighbor. not normally, but this year it happened. whilst christmas appears to be happenin' on the inside, the ghost of all hallows past is still happenin on the outside. my fall flag is still up on the damn pole, and a 15 pound pumpkin has been overthrown by the squirrel population and i've proof of their destructive behavior! not only did they KNOCK the pumpkin off the step, on to it's side, theyve chewed a hole - and oh that's right, what do you see?yes - they crawl INSIDE... pull goodies out then sit on my deck and spit out seeds, eat, and just make a grand mess! it's quite entertaining and educational for miss K. we are LOVING this in the mornings, as this is when there is the most activity.
so, faithful blog readers. that's it in some pics.

oh and the finding joy part. i find that when i feel well, everything else falls into place. i'm feeling well just in the last 2 days, and somehow, my tree is more beautiful. the christmas music sounds more cheerful. the anticipation of all our little May Family traditions for Christmas are much more exciting. oh and did i mention? pure joy is knowing that as of Friday - i will not have to WORK for 9 entire days! that's is just grand and full of JOY!

expect more updates. it's coming. the holiday spirit has bitten. oh and yeah - 20 bucks bought me thee most gorgeous Holiday dress for one sweet princess...

peace and joy.

December Daily - Day One

2008-12-01T20:52:00.004-05:00

So - I must admit - I started off planning aka Ali E style with gusto. I set up a little Christmas Cheer section in the studio - a little corner unit in my office with all of my Christmas stash. Bought new supplies - found some old ones that made me smile. Quite honestly - this little corner just plain made me happy. This was done about the beginning of November... AND to make it all complete, I popped in my favorite vintage kinda nightlight with the bubbly candle thingy with a little Santa hanging off of the side. Oh wait - one more thing.. Apple cinnamon candles. Yes - the spirit was flowing freely. and then? then what you ask?

and then it happened.

somehow - someway - this conversation pops up from time to time. most times easier to digest than others. a few times a year - not so easy to digest. like on my birthday. K's birthday. the entire month of june. then - the holidays. you see - it's a rather simple question - "How old's your Dad?" then - the awkward response - because no matter how you phrase it - the asker of the question really does not know how to answer when you respond with - "My Dad's been gone for 18 years now." eighteen. wow.more than half my life now. and I still remember the day like it was yesterday. the question came up - i casually answered and then fought within telling myself to NOT let it go. keep the cheer present - don't give in to this sadenss that seems to overcome me every year during the holidays.

people telling me as i grieved at 17 - it will get easier. you'll move on. but it doesn't and you don't. eighteen years later - it's not any easier. i just find different ways to deal with it. you see, my Dad died kind of suddenly, though he was ill - it was sudden - and unexpected. and it all happened the day after a horrific fight he had with my oldest brother. and it happened on January 2nd. happy new year for me. starting fresh - i immediately re-live the past.

normally - i try and embrace the holidays and fake my way through it with false sense of cheer and joy. i try and overcompensate for my pure sense of gloom and sadness by going over the top with decorations - Dad would have loved that. I go above and beyond with the baking and the cooking - because Dad would have loved that. Dad would have totally thought I rocked the apple pie - homemade crust and all. he would have DEVOURED my homemade pumpkin pie i made on thanksgiving this year. but this year - it's weird. i can't find it. i can't fake it.

granted - it's only just Dec 1 - there's still time to pull off my act. but for once, dear Lord up above - I hand this over to you - for once? I want to feel the genuine cheer and goodwill of this season. it's not about gifts and commercialization. I want to be in the moments. i want to hear laughter and joy. i want to feel it. I do not want to fake it. let something happen to me that will make me learn and grow as a momma. let me be put in a situation that will humble me. let me learn to move on and hand it over.

so very much has happened in the last couple of weeks - that i am not quite ready to write about yet. but for me - it was pretty tragic. i mean seriously - i know - doom and gloom girl? another tragedy? but yup - this one we didn't see coming. when i find the peace of mind and comfort within my heart - i will write about it. maybe in an hour - maybe a couple of days... but i think once i can put my true feelings to paper about it - my "wish" will be granted.

So - Sweet December - I spent this evening - in an effort to feel joy and just went on a car ride with my husband. Now that gas prices are manageable - we can afford to do that again. it's very senior like of us - but something we've always loved doing. something about the close comfort of our new little Santa Fe, the warm heat - the Christmas tunes playing - just makes me feel a little safer. a little more connected. We are looking for a new house and took a drive out to Constantia... in the country... pitch black countryside - so not a good look at the house - but wanted to get a feel for the area. My how i hope it all works out in the end. everything we are reaching for and working towards. so - i send it out into the open and i hand it over. i am praying for peace of mind. and praying for a real opportunity to know and feel joy this holiday season.

amen to that. keep reading - i'm going to attempt my december daily here... since yeah - umm - doom and gloom kept me from every finishing my december dialy album.

peace blog readers. find your joy in the holiday season, too.

i know i know - long time no post...

2008-11-15T23:54:00.002-05:00

and this is not much - but stay tuned for more updates soon... with hopefully good news.

i saw this on my friend, Kats blog.. and stole it. i am supposed to bold the items i've done. more later!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland - more time than i can count!
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelos David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (does coffee count?)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance - too many times to want to recall
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - ok so i was a kid and it was an after school special type dare drug program kinda movie.. but hey - it counts!
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (one of my kid's toys)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible - though i don't recall most of it. can you say creepy cult experience in my late teens?
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

that it! behave!

week in the life. day five.

2008-10-03T20:46:00.004-05:00

the above pic is just for a dear, sweet friend of mine... this is all you get - because, seriously? this is how big MY kitchen really is. that's it.

wow. what an amazing week. though i have not documented everything like i wanted to, what i learned this week? IT'S OK. if you've forgotten my challenge, click here. it's been an awesome ride and i will carry it into sunday. with loads more pics. but for now - let me just list out some highs. i think for once, my highs far outweigh my lows.

making connections with new work friends has empowered me. on so many levels.

connections with my girl - amazing.

seeing mommies at pre-school - that actually want to stop and chat with me. warms my heart. i'm taking it slow - as i don't make mommy friends easily. but i think i will make some lasting friends.

struck a deal with K this week about the pre-school pickup. she was crying each time i showed up to pick her up. glad it's this way and not the other. but Lordy! she made the other mommas look at me like i had three eyes. she upheld her end of the deal. pinkie swore on it and everything. her reward? going with me - to the mall - which she promptly reminded me when we pulled up - "momma you don't like this place do you?" me: "nope!" her: "then thanks for bringing me here." we went to carousel. because that's where the disney store is. i am a sucker for a good halloween costume. and this was her reward. being able to pick it out this year. she wanted to be a princess. well, disney does princess like no other - so that's where we went. now i know, mommas reading will say i am CAH-RAAAAA-ZEE for buying a costume there, BUT BUT - everything was 25% off, and she will wear it again and again for dress up. i had to get the WHOLE scha-bang. the glass slippers that light up, the magic wand, the tiara, and a ring that lights up too. it was fabulous. she looks like a princess - truly - a real one. i SO wanted the minnie mouse costume - WAY cute on her. but she had to have the Cinderella. oh the LO's i will do. can't stand it.nothing is too good for my girl. she told me again, on the way out of the mall thank you. and then again on the way home. then promptly turned into and incorrigible 3 year old as soon as we got done modeling for daddy. gotta love mothering.

these thoughts are in no way the order in which they occurred. that's what you get with an overtired - still fighting a cold in week two, momma.

had - by far - one of the best experiences at work today. ever. in my career. with adp. can't spill the beans just yet. but if everything pans out well for me? it will be huge for me. huge. just huge. seriously. i still can't believe the conversation happened. huge. if it doesn't pan out - i will chalk it up to a wonderful learning experience. i've finally found someone to "attach to" that i think will lead me up the right side of the food chain. could. be. huge. so awesome.

my guest dt spot is up at lotus paperie. will have to do a whole diff post on that alone. i'm so totally stoked.

received some awesome happy mail this week from my HMSistah over at SISTV. how fun is it to actually get good old fashioned mail? this is the best swap i've yet to sign up for.

noticed i really need to work on being a housekeeper. not even better. just housekeeper in general. i've been peeved with my DH on and off for about 2 weeks, and when i get that way - i don't do a damn thing. a dear sweet, sweet, amazing friend of mine blogged the other day about all the things she does for her family and is thinking of titling her challenge - "this is what loving you looks like". that simple line really made me question my duties around here. i love my family. i need to show it more. i need to just do things and not worry about what i'm getting in return. i need to just do it because it's a direct reflection of what loving them is like. i've neglected way too much for way to long in my home - and with my mom soon to become a part of it - i need to love everything a little bit more.

yes. my mom. she's coming here. by november 22. to live. for good. initially - she was going to live on her own. but my DH suggested she live with us. times have changed and she has a reason to be happy with us. it will be tough. on all of us. but she's getting older and i've found she's not managing her healthcare well at all. and it's my turn to do that. for her. i want my daughter to know her. and fall in love with her like all little girls should with their nanas. and i hate to admit this outloud at 35 years old.. i need my mommy. really. really. really need her in my life. she's 3000 miles away. and i need her here. now.

really really tired these days. and still cannot pin point why. i sleep enough. my job is not overly taxing right at the moment. i'm eating a little better. my labs say my thyroid levels are within normal range. but something's just off kilter. i think maybe i need a new doc.

learning the real meaning of blessed. thanks Momma Fence. i hope you know the impact you truly are making on me.

more to come this weekend. i am loving this experiment. i can honestly say, i loved my life this week. i did not have one bad day. in spite of many setbacks... still can't say it was bad. i only learned from everything.

how's your week in the life? still not too late to join along. start today through next friday. oh - and i've got some raks to put together this weekend for a few local and somewhat local chicas....make it a good weekend. because i said so.

it's a two post hump day

2008-10-01T22:16:00.004-05:00

this was taken the first day of preschool. not really part of my week in the life. but a day in my life i want to remember forever. and ever. and ever. this was HUGE for me. i look at this picture often, now, and wonder how did i get her and why am i so blessed? i really never thought i wanted children until late in my twenties. then when i finally began trying - didn't think i'd be able. and God willing - here she is. a dear friend asked me today, "are you one proud momma?" that word - proud - SUCH an understatement. i feel blessed. i feel honored. i've often written and said K is such an old soul. she looks into my eyes, and she sees to the depths of me. she says things like, "remember? when you were a little girl? i took care of you. i was a good mommy to you." or things like right before we leave for school, she throws herself on me and says - "mmmm.... i could just love on you all day momma. i just love to hug you." then there's the flip side. things come out of her mouth such as last night when we asked her if she wanted dinner, she stated, "nah - i'm not really into dinner right now." and the other day, she told me - "i'm not really feeling strawberries momma, what's my other choice?" REMINDER: she's three.
so quickly we develop traditions with our children. well, more so - rituals. each day on the way to school, on our 3 minute commute, we listen to "the heart song" - really - "Fidelity" by Regina Spektor. she knows each and every word. it's priceless. once we get to school, always the first ones there and early - we listen AGAIN to "the heart song" and put on chapstick - er - LIP GLOSS. this is her showing me. her aunt kimmie told me tonight - she loved this pic - because it reminds her of me and MY big ole' lippers. (and shhhh - aunt kimmie's jealous! we love you aunt kimmie!) this is the sweetest part of my every monday, wednesday and friday morning.
the guys for the day. she had to bring just these THREE downstairs with her. she specifically asked for Cow, Lizard, and Dino. and said they must stay on the little couch all day while she was gone. and there they sat. i LOVE Pet Shops. LOVE THEM. Like i secretly covet them. and talk her into buying certain ones because they are so damned cute. i want them in my office. but she won't let me borrow them. these are ALL over the house. warms my heart.
ah - yes -my most favorite morning ritual. she colors. everyday. at her table. after breakfast. it goes like this. we come downstairs, i go potty (still working on getting her to do this first thing - though she's fully potty trained.. she just won't make it a first pit stop) while she opens the blinds, i make coffee, breakfast, we eat, she goes to the art table.oh so intent. each and every morning. coloring in the lines. remarkable.she needs a bigger desk. and more markers. and colors. and art supplies. thank GOD Nana will be here soon! :)
my sweet, sweet Bailey. my boy. every photo i take of him he looks small. he's really not. he's 51 pounds. half greyhound, half american staffordshire. he's an amazing creature. he is just like me. he HATES mornings, and he LOVES coffee. as soon as my husband gets out of bed in the AM, bailey sneaks in with me and we snuggle. hard core snuggle. this is him, after we've made our way downstairs. he hops up on the couch (i will NEVER learn to teach him to stay off of it.. and i hate myself for it. my sofa is RUINED) and he curls up in a ball and tries to make himself invisible. the look on his face in this photo says it all. i don't DO mornings . yeah bailey? neither do i.

i'm reading this. i'm a nerd. i've joined a colleague book club. chapter two? knocked my friggin socks off. i think every mother should read this book, too. it's taught me things about work AND important life lessons. again? i'm only at chapter 3. this is a good thing for me.

my TO DO list for tuesday. notice all the pink? that's a gooood thing. it means i accomplished a good deal yesterday. today? never even got around to writing the damn list. BUT - there is always a chance to do more, tomorrow.

i took a TON more pics on Tuesday and then because the Hump Day got off to an atrocious start - i did not remember to take even ONE photo today. not one. tomorrow. it goes everywhere with me. i won't even mention how bad my day at work was. one of my loyal readers knows. she lived it right along with me. but i'm learning, and growing. and praying. and somehow - these bad days? they just don't hurt so much anymore.

a week in my life...i'm making it a good one. because it has to be. the end.

life's just so daily...

2008-10-01T15:54:00.002-05:00

and i will post about it. and upload more pics. but am keeping with the project....

Week In The Life... DO THIS

2008-09-29T20:47:00.002-05:00

I hesitated when I first read Ali's challenge. I have to much on my plate. Too many work committments. Too many personal issues for which I am running out of tissues. And then I said - you know what? The tail end of this year is supposed to be about ME. about making ME a BETTER ME. so throwing caution to the wind - i'm down Ali.. i'm with you. and it's going to be a GOOD ride. because I will it to be so. Though I did not take any photos today. Per Ali - that's ok. and I agree with that too. So read this. It's the challenge. and do this with me?

Week In The Life. Day One.

i wake up to the sweetness of a small voice saying, "but i know it's still dark out, i want to watch morning time wake up." how can you wake in a bad mood, even though it's earlier than the chickens?
try to stay awake through a snuggle and Caillou at 5am on the sofa. it does not happen.
give in to the sandman. and snooze.
wake to 100 - yes - that's ONE HUNDRED teeny, tiny counting animals, lined up carefully on the living room floor. and a dog bomb. (polite for the dog who forgot he was inside and dropped one)
realizing none of this is not a good sign.
roll of the sofa, out from under the sleep inducing fleece blankie i love so much and make coffee.
feed child and take quickie shower.
drag myself to kitchen, cold from shower, for coffee.
to realize, i never ut grounds in the filter.
realizing. once again. this is NOT a good sign.
contemplate calling in sick since i am fighting bronchitis.
realize this is weak and i can manage juuust fine.
still contemplate. but can't. i'm too honest. and hardworking.
get the girl finally ready for school. no arguments on clothing, hair accoutrements, or shoes.
this *might* be a good sign.
drive to school. my fav part of the week.
we listen to *the heart song* my girl knows each and every word to this song. pure, sweet, goodness.
drop off at school
myheart melts - she's such a big girl and so into routine already
we talk about making good choices
we talk about including girls that look sad or are playing alone
we talk about being HAPPY to see momma when school is over and not crying like a monster that she doesn't want to go home with me!
we pinkie swear and kiss on it.
my heart soars.

WORK ramblings

i make coffee. again.
i make a to do list
i pray
i review to do list
pray again. only a miracle will get to do list complete
go back down for coffee
begin to do list
feel bullied. into a corner
shake it. chat online with a BFF/coworker
she helps put it all in perspective
i shake it some more
still feeling bullied.
therapy lessons i've learned kick in
i'm being productive
i answer several phone calls
multi-task. chat online internally, answer emails
i send some e-recs to some colleagues. they are worth a buck. it matters.
i pray some more.
i get a kick ass complimentary email from my division director.
makes me really happy.
i reach out to my former boss for some advice on aforementioned feeling bullied sensation. he said what i was feeling. i took his advice.
i've moved on
and the day is over.

EVENING -

boring. nothing to report. went by too quick
quick trip "as a family" to the grocery store.
popped in to the temp halloween store for ideas.
scared the girl.
quick trip out.
home.
realized said prayer REALLY is working. in strange and mysterious ways.
dinner.
early bed time.
quiet time for momma.
internet time to unwind the mind.
request to contribute to Page Maps for November shows up in my inbox. rooty toot toot! rock on - and GO ME!
time to figure out LO for my Guest Design Team Spot over at Lotus Paperie beginning this FRIDAY! (go me again!)

all in all? a not so shabby day. and if you've stuck with me this long... thank you. and leave a comment... with a way for me to reach you... just might be some sweet, simple, happy mail in it for ya.

much love and make it a great week. because i said so, damnit!

And Syracuse Retail Continues to Grow...

2008-09-23T22:38:00.005-05:00

The latest addition to our retail venue that has me simply jumping for joy?

HOBBY LOBBY

That's right - ladies - a Hobby Lobby. And how do I know this? Well the blueprints for the store are sitting in my kitchen table. My family's business has the steel contract on it and I am OVER the TOP excited about it!!! I saw the layout of the store - how much space is alloted for the scrappy goodness that will be within those walls.. i drooled. i gasped. i think i had a scrapgasm.

It will be going up FAST - which means good money for my husband - as they will be working round the clock to complete the job... AND - it will be right on Route 31, next to the new Lowes.

can't WAIT!

The Beckoning of Lovely

2008-09-13T20:30:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVQSZA9zSk

watch this video. it's roughly 7 minutes you will never regret. it's beautiful. it's possible. i will be a part of this. one way or another. it's compelling. who's with me?

in awe

2008-09-05T22:02:00.004-05:00

i am simply in awe at the selfless acts i am witnessing in the crafting blog world. i am late to jump on the wagon and post about this family. i almost couldn't bring myself to click through to the site of the sister updating the progress. it's the story of the nielsons - stephanie and christian. they were recently involved in a private plane crash and both have suffered tremendous burns. they have four small children. four children. four. i cannot imagine. my breath stops short when i try. it's unimaginable. there family is one that is intertwined in a faith i've never been witness to. and it gives me reason to want to learn. i have added a button should you care to donate to the right. or just blog about it all. pay it forward. be selfless. and hug your loved ones a little bit tighter tonight. (i still don't know how to properly add links that look pretty so here's one for the Nielson's blog and one for their sis who is following their recovery)

much love and kindness back at ya.

www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com

www.blog.cjanerun.com

lift her up

2008-09-04T09:01:00.002-05:00

i am really working hard to turn this blog around and make it a place of inspiration and happy... so it's at this time - i'm asking for some spiritual inspiration and some prayers and a little happy thrown up north. a dear, sweet friend of mine - really - she's like a mother to me - just got some pretty crappy news about a pesky mole situation. she's going to be having surgery to have the rest of everything removed - as it turns out it's a melanoma. she is a strong woman. she is faithful. she is amazing. she is beautiful. she is genuine. she is thoughtful. she is caring. she is 100% totally and completely selfless. always doing for others. she is wise. she will beat this. she will not have to endure much more than remove and repair. because i said so. and i'm praying on it. i'm lifting her up. say a some prayers for her, would ya? that's all. much love to my blog readers. hug someone you love today. they might really need it more than you know.

updates, goodness, and a TOOT oh my...

2008-09-03T00:03:00.004-05:00

will write an entire blog post about the Extreme Makeover Home Edition volunteer gig - soon - promise. really. still circulating the thoughts. lots of goodness.

had a fabulous weekend complete with a trip to the zoo, the park, and a bonfire.. oh and Yuengling - plenty. of. yummy. Yuengling. I SOOOO needed some alcohol. goodness.

demo has begun on the downstairs-bedroom-what-used-to-be-my-husbands-man-cave-full-of-1970s-panelling-office. we are shuffling rooms - now that kennedy is getting bigger - her nursery is closing in on her. i'm moving my office downstairs to said man-cave - but it's being completely gutted first. panelling is down, and funky acoustic 12x12 unhip tile square ceiling shit is down. once that room is done to perfection - i move my office/studio down there. kennedy will be moved into my current office - once we repaint and replace flooring in here. Dad will then move is office up to K's current tiny dormer celing type attic room. poof. change is good. winter project begun before fall - good. pure goodness.

planning to cross off to-do list in completion each day this week. day one - check! goodness.

oh you wanted to read about the toot? i got an email from Vanessa over at Lotus Paperie http://www.lotuspaperie.blogspot.com/ (yes - i will never know how to type this so that i can just write lotus paperie and then you click in that word and poof! a link!) i digress... got an email from Vanessa this weekend. she digs me. yup. that's right! you guessed it! i'll be the Guest Designer for October. Check check check check it out! My pal Holly Hanks was the GD for August and it's just yummy. just. plain. yummy what she did with the prompts and challenges. i dig what vanessa is all about. and she's just dang sweet to boot! I will be posting sneaks at some point as October comes closer... and i LOVE that month - so expect some ghoulish, fall-y type goodies from me. goodness.

reconnecting with old friends. this just simply makes me happy. very reminiscent - but oh so happy. goodness.

oh and i can't post without a photo. see this? goodness.

K just being cute

i grew this all by myself from a bulb...still cannot believe it. there were about 12 blooms altogether and they were about 4 feet tall

huntin toads in the backyard. this shot is priceless

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Urban Prep Kit from SIStv

2008-08-22T19:47:00.004-05:00

I've found a new home away from home. it's community. it's heart and soul. it's sisters. it's taken me awhile to get comfortable - but that's just ME. not the site. check it out - they've got some awesome kits, classes, challenges and the swaps are FABULOUS! this month - they are offering the URBAN PREP KIT as shown below...

Available For PreOrder Until 8.24, Spend $50 and Get A $10 Gift Card! Check it out and ORDER. NOW! BECAUSE I SAID SO....and it's simply URBAN. Simply PREP. Simply Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!

check it here:

http://www.sistvboutique.com/Default.asp?Redirected=Y

Extreme excitement...

2008-08-19T20:01:00.003-05:00

ok - so i'm like jittery... filled with excitement! i received my assignment information today as to where i need to go and at what time on saturday! all i know - is i have to sign in and pick up my SPECIAL ACCESS PASS TO THE VIP TENT!!! can i get a what what??!!!!!!

so yes - i've got one HELL of a date Saturday... check out my boys:

i mean - seriously - who's cooler than ME right now?