my rear view.

it seems each morning, in the rear view mirror glimpses, i see deeper. i see more of my future. i am scared. i am joyful. i am excited. i am fearful. i want to cling. i breath. i catch a breath. i hold on. i grasp my fingers tighter and tighter to the steering wheel. my eyes well up with tears. i grin. i smile. i laugh. i get butterflies. i am thankful. i am grateful. i am full. i am in awe. i have created that being back there. that little person that sits behind me. that little person that trusts me with ever ounce of their being still to guide them. i am still in full control of everything they do. yet at the same moment in time, i have learned i have to somehow start letting them fall. and grow. and those wings have become huge.

the month of may almost needs to become my january. my month of beginnings. because it seems like every may one, i begin to feel refreshed. like its my chance to start over, cleanse, fix, purge, take charge, get rid of, detox. i guess becoming a momma does that to a person. and owning the month with it being my last name, makes me a little more prideful of the month of may. this IS our month after all. my girl was born in may. wow. how powerful to me. when i learned i was pregnant i calculated instantly the month she would be here. and i knew it was the absolute most serendipitous miracle ever to happen to me.

i had a difficult time conceiving to begin with. so when my miracle became a reality, the fact that she was due the same month as my last name, the same month as my birthday, right near mother's day? yep. there's your sign. this lil girl's gonna be something big. something special. she was truly a gift. more than a blessing. i've always said she was an old soul. last night, she had a look about her. like something was really weighing heavy on her mind. she's not a worrier. she's a good kid, who talks about things. she understands that worry belongs to adults and understands how to put things into perspective for a child her age. she doesn't put unrealistic situations in her mind to create worry where worry doesn't need to exist. so i know that when she gets a look, she's got a concern she can't shake. something she can't process or maybe not understand.

with a little coaxing, i got it out of her that she was concerned about how long she would live. and why do some children die so young. and how do they get sick. and what would happen to mommy and daddy. point blank? am i going to lose you and daddy?

dear jesus.

this rocked me to my core. i ran a warm tubby. put her in it. everything is better in a warm tubby. and we talked. and she rocked. and i rubbed her back. and we cried. and we talked and talked and talked. and that old soul in my rear view mirror matured before my very eyes.her eyes looked so far into my soul, i swear to God i saw my grandmother staring back at me telling me i was doing the right thing. i could feel her around me last night as i talked about her. we talked about my dad. she asked about her cousin justin (God rest his sweet angel soul). she never realized until just last night that Justin was HER cousin too. and that sweet fact broke my heart. she asked loads of questions.

and my rear view today. was solid. and heavy. heavy on my heart. because this morning i knew deep in my heart. i am creating awesome memories for that sweet girl everyday. and each year on her birthday? they solidify even deeper. and my future. gets sweeter. and as i looked back today? my heart soared. and in only 8  more days, i think i'll see even more maturity as she rounds the corner to seven. and i'm tightening my grip. and hanging on tight for the ride.

May 1st...

Seven years ago today... I think I recall a strong sense of nesting going on. There seemed to be lots of last minute organizing. Loads of laundry being done, lists being crossed off, and making sure everything was just so. There was a bun in the oven, and the timer was ticking. The bun was ready to come out and the over was really, really full.

May 1st. My feet were so huge. I showed Kennedy this morning how I walked on May first. She asked me if I even held my hands like a penguin, because she exclaimed, I sure walked like one! My belly was so large, I could no longer see my feet. I could not walk far without getting out of breath, and I wasn't even diagnosed with asthma at that point in life yet! I was so very excited to become a Momma, I could hardly stand it. The anticipation, at that point was what kept me up every night, in addition to the fact that I could not get my big ole' belly comfortable in our teeny, queen size bed.

The baby was due on May 11th. I had not started to have any real contractions to write home about, and had a scheduled induction for the 11th. Because the baby was measuring so large, they were not planning to let me go a moment longer. And boy was I thankful! As I woke up this morning, Kennedy exclaimed to me, "Momma... it's here, it's here!!! It's our month!!! It's May 1st!!!!" I am so very thankful she didn't come a moment later in May. I love that I get to celebrate the month sooner with her. You see, her birthday comes first, then we celebrate Mother's Day, then my birthday, and well... since our last day is May - yep... we've deemed it ... OUR Month!

So, the first of May always leaves me very reflective... because, it's also the first month of my life I became a Momma...and how cool is it I get to celebrate Mother's day in that same month? And this year... Seven? No longer a baby... no more toddler years... seven. wow. That just seems HUGE to me. SEVEN.

stick with me while we celebrate all month.... and I'll share with you Kennedy's awesome One Little Word Project for her Seventh Year!!! It's gonna be big for her!

Peace and be good!

what you are dealt

so. it's funny. the previous post. i talked about the look. the look my daughter gives. huh. funny. interesting. i want to claw my own eyes out and stop the terms and phrases that have come into my life in the last 10 days. neurology. tourettes. tics. ocd. adhd tendencies. iep. 504. therapy. crossover behaviors. yeah. that look? wasn't just a cute little characteristic of our make-up. nope. it was so much more. and i can't. stop. crying.

when kennedy was three. there was a blink. and i joked. "honey, look, maybe she'll start swearing! she has tourettes!" then there was a cough. "kennedy, get a drink of water!" then there was a sniff. "kennedy! GO BLOW YOUR NOSE!" then there was a blink and rub of the nose. i never paid this any mind, because they all went away. then recently, she puffed her cheeks. then she stuck out her tongue. then there was a spit bubble. then came this eyebrow thing two weeks ago, and a severe roll back of the eyes into the head, with some twitching back and forth to the sides, which my husband actually noticed. "call the pediatrician." he said. and i did. and we've had a visit to the opthamologist. and a neurologist. and a diagnosis. Tourettes Syndrome. though slight. it's still a label. a label to my perfect little angel baby. who is really struggling right now.

she's frustrated. because this tic is a strong one. and it's giving her headaches. and it bothers her. it's embarrassing to her. and she thinks she's going to get in trouble for it. because it DOES look like a dirty look. and kids HATE her dirty looks. but we are getting her help and talking about it does help her. but boy do the angry spells hurt. wow.

and while i catch my breath with that news... i am battling my own issues. i have been fighting a migraine for exactly 30 days now. it started while i was out of town on business. i was in a meeting and speaking with some associates, and i started slurring my speech. then that night at dinner, i spilled my wine. BEFORE i drank it. i felt very uncoordinated and pretty clumsy at dinner and kept it to myself. i only had one glass of wine. i got a roaring headache that night. and the speech was weird the next day. and a headache again the day after. and the day after and so on.

i didn't tell anyone. i didn't think much of it. it finally lasted long enough, and the speech got worse and more embarrassing. i caved and called the doc. after many attempts to break the cycle, the doc tried and IV infusion and it failed, she felt it was more than a migraine and sent me for an MRI. i went through this migraine business one year ago exactly. one year ago, an MRI showed one white lesion on my brain. last week, they found several.

due to this, they sent me for a spinal tap to rule out MS. i have many other symptoms leading up to MS, as well. i will not be surprised if this is the answer. i just want SOME answer so i can move forward and get relief. my entire body is in pain in addition to now living with a constant headache. i am having trouble with my speech, i am having cognitive issues, trouble with my hands, and now my legs are beginning to get rubbery from time to time! i drop things all the time, spill things, even my skin is itchy! it's just plain annoying... my point?

you are not given more than you can deal? hmmmm. i just don't get that yet. i know i will. eventually. i always do get it. and i always DO get the message. i just don't see it now. i don't understand why i'm dealt this two huge blows. right now. at the same time to navigate. one year ago, they told me i had fibromyalgia and i told them no, i don't believe you and i won't take the treatment for it. i have denied it the whole time. i've always felt there was more to it. we shall see...

i'm ready to take what i'm dealt and fight it. head on.i just wish it would hurry up. because i'm tired and i can't get any rest not knowing. i don't write for pity, i'm sorrys or anything like that. just to share because maybe someone else is walking the same battle... or was just wondering what's going on...know it gets better... i've still got my humor and wit... that never subsides!

stay tuned....

peace and be good.

the look

i don't quite know when it began. but i know it's genetic. i know she can't be faulted for it. and i certainly don't blame her for it. and i won't ever. but already? she's defined by it. and i hate it. i loathe it. because it's judgemental and unfair. already, it determines how an entire day is going to flow. it garners her a spot at the "in table". or the not so "in table". it earned me a spot at the "table" with the teacher this week. we are trying to sort out.... "The Look."

here it was, as i discovered at about 2 years old. i discovered this last night looking through some old photos. memory serves me right and tells me this look began even before 2.

she is now having trouble with the look in school. oh no, and rest assured. it's not just her. i love that my family thinks it's just her. and that it's all my fault. (oh, you didn't know? yep. i have the look too. go figure.)nope. news flash! believe it or not? other children do this! they do! i swear! the teacher told me - and this was hilarious. there are two other little girls that she is friends with, and they are both very sweet girls, too, just like kennedy. but also very smart, strong, dynamic, dramatic girls. they also possess the look. they have "look-downs". i visualized this as the old time country western duals. but instead of guns? pardners? draw yer looks!!

so, this is yet again our focus. hold your look. and your tongue. and focus on the word think:

T - is it true?
H - is it helpful?
I - is it inspiring?
N - is it necessary?
K - is it kind?

I found a fabulous printable on Pinterest that i sent the teacher for this and she is going to post it in the classroom... and we're working on the look... she's fierce. i'm not ashamed of it. but it's a big misconception that because we've got a look that we're a mean individual. we're fierce. we're compassionate. we're full of empathy. and i dare you to befriend us. we're the strongest one you'll ever have at your back.

peace and be good.

SHELLEY DOES LIFE

DO LIFE CHALLENGE - Week 1, Day 1

• i weigh 223 pounds
• this is 42 pounds less than i weighed a year ago
• i ate better today
• i had no soda
• i did not snack
• i only had one cup of coffee today
• i exercised for 34 minutes
• i did 14 modified push ups

why does this matter? read on...

WOW. what a day. holy cow am i sore. so yeah. this last year i dropped 42 pounds. i refused to have any physical activity in my life. why you ask? because it hurt. because i was scared. because i couldn't breath. because i was full of excuses. and then there was that whole cross country move thing. i found some happiness. but still lacking something.

now don't get all excited. i'm not jumping on a bandwagon to get healthier because it's a new year. i don't consider any of this a resolution. nope. being fit and being healthy is needed. it's required in order to live in bend, oregon. why? have you SEEN bend, oregon? i'm missing out on my city if i can't be out and be active and experiencing bend, oregon. period. hands down.

oh yeah, but then there's the whole health thing. i have grave's disease. i have no thyroid, therefore metabolism and i don't get along. i have fibromyalgia. i have asthma. among many other things i won't bore you with. but what i have learned? i refuse to allow any of these things to define me. i never have. i keep a sense of humor about me. i can only survive this shit with humor.

so, i'm doing life. it's a 12 week challenge. watch ben's video first. i was inspired by ben. i hope you will be too. and maybe join me, follow me, encourage me. the challenges are listed on the forums, you've got to register, pay 10 bucks that helps with sending prizes to the weekly challenge winners. and do life damnit. it's that easy.

today? i focused on eating well, dropped the soda, added in water, and stayed moving almost all. day. long. i did 14 push ups. 14 more than i did yesterday. granted, they were modified, and probably very half-assed, but i did the best with what i have, and it's a start. i did this via the biggest loser workout plan on my kinect. i am hurting to the CORE. and i only worked out 34 minutes today. i put away all christmas decor today. i did laundry, i cleaned house, i grocery shopped. i. am. tired.

check back. i'm blogging about it daily.

peace and be good.

OLW - 2012

many of you reading are familiar with Ali Edwards One Little Word project that she sponsors every year. while i have, with best intentions, taken the time to seek a word each year, i've failed miserably at embracing the word, owning the word, and really making it resonate in my daily life. last year, i made strides, and chose the word MORE. it meant a great deal to me.

i can humbly admit, i did a great deal MORE last year than ever before. we moved cross country for crying out loud! how much MORE can you ask for? i got rid of MORE negative energy than ever. i embraced MORE, i grew MORE emotionally. i learned to love MORE of me, and i physically lost MORE of me. a considerable amount MORE. i played MORE. i loved MORE. i said no, MORE. you get the idea.

but the end of the year, left me wanting MORE. i wanted to feel like, at the end of the year, i had completed MORE. the year left me with many started projects, but not all of them were actually finished. this frustrated me. my mind was whirling creatively, from the end of June through December. living in Bend more or less, created a creative fire in my i'd not felt in a very long time. i pretty much gave up on my crafting in 2011. i didn't do MORE or nearly enough of it. that hurt, as it's a big part of life that defines me. that makes me happy. that fuels me to be a better me.

moving cross country is no east feat. and you are constantly in some stage of creation when you do something so huge. you create a plan. you create a new life. you create a new home. you create new friendships. you create a new you. it's a clean slate i think. and it's the last time i do this. we moved here with intention to create roots. as i thought about all of this, i realized create was not just in a paper and glue sense, but moved me like a verb moves a sentence. i wanted MORE out of 2012. but i realized that in order to have MORE, i needed to CREATE it.

so while i felt like CREATE was a sophomoric attempt, initially, at participating in yet one more challenge i probably won't follow through on the entire year, it hit me... this word chose me this year. which i found funny, as i read more and more blogs this week about OLW... many - scratch that - countless women have stated their word chose them for one reason or another. hmmmm... there's a trend here. i want to CREATE more of me this year. and i feel more empowered and encouraged to do so than ever this year.

so - yup - you guessed it, my OLW this year is CREATE.

• CREATE more - in the literal sense
• CREATE a home worth loving
• CREATE a new life
• CREATE new friendships
• CREATE new routines
• CREATE time for me
• CREATE more time for play
• CREATE a body that is no longer rifled with pain and distress
• CREATE more words
• CREATE progress on my 38 @ 38 list (i will blog about that soon!)
• CREATE a plan
• CREATE better food
• CREATE more healthy routines
• and on and on and on.... CREATE

it fits. and i'm owning it. and putting it out into the universe, because as i tell my best friend, "you've put it out into the universe, so shall it be." in an effort to own it, i've taken this week off from work. starting the new year by CREATING organization and structure in my home office/studio space. reinventing the space i work in and spend most of my time in, since i work from home, is crucial to my well being - so that is where you will find me this week. i'm sure that will allow me to CREATE more consistent blogging thoughts as well.

go on. create with me.

ciao.

hello monday.

hello holidays.

hello blog. i've missed you. let's get together more often.

hello oversleeping and hitting the snooze one to many times.

hello monday. (why'd you have to oversleep?)

hello to a calendar of conference calls which at one point today, had me quadruple booked. (i made it to 3 of those 4 calls. yay me.)

hello excitement. my momma shows up on tuesday from new york.

hello hair appointment right after work. (forcing in me time is important!)

hello dance rehearsal again for the showcase this weekend.

hello last minute cleaning to be done.

hello holidays... i'm ready....

(hello monday is a lisa leonard inspired blog prompt, join me!)

Fall Adventures

we decided to adventure off on saturday to a pumpkin farm. one thing different, among many, on the west coast, the pumpkin patch just doesn't exist on every street corner as it does in the northeast. the closest one was about 30 minutes north of us at the DD Ranch in Terrebonne. wow! this place was something else! little did we know it was like an amusement park and would have cost us nearly $100 to really enjoy everything they had to offer!

there was a petting zoo...

pumpkin chunkin, face painting, a corn maze, a band playing, all sorts of different activities going on - and everything cost one token - one token = $2.50 = OUTRAGEOUS!!! so yeah. we checked out some animals... took some obligatory pumpkin photos...

now, my dear readers, you see this adorable face? this angelic lil being? yes. my child, just moments after this photo was taken? she melted down. things were said such as, "did we come here just to pet some stinkin lil goats? i wanted a stinkin pumpkin!!!!" we retorted back with, "GET IN THE CAR. NOW!!!" OH ...it was awful. no pumpkins were had. (besides, the prices were outrageous!)

we ventured on over to smith rock. i'd been wanting to see it, and it is breathtaking...

we then ventured on to see an old railroad and did a lil more hiking...and got some awesome and some silly family pics. much love for fall adventures. happy fall y'all. what's everyone else up to?

First Grade

Dear Kennedy,

The last month and a half has been full of getting into a routine and learning (for all of us) how to be a first grader. You are fitting in quite well, I must say. You were so excited to start school, telling me on the first day, you didn't need a hand held at all, because you were a big girl. I die a little bit inside each time I hear this. My apron strings are loosening, and I'm sad, but at the same time, I grow with such a sense of pride, that I've sent you out into this world to be such a strong, independent little person. a pretty great contributor to society.

You struggled in the first few days with schedules and getting ready in the morning. While I knew immediately this was not like you, I knew to look deeper. I brought out of you in casual conversations, you were overwhelmed. You were having a hard time "fitting in". You went from 1/2 kindergarten and no recess, to a 7 hour day, with recesses and lunch. This transition is HUGE! So we coached you on making friends, fitting in, and being a part of a group. Learning that you were the little girl sitting alone on the playground eating lunch by herself? Broke my heart and made me want to homeschool you forever. I worked with your teacher closely and we quickly got you past that small bump in the road. You now have two BFFs - Ellie and Ava. Miss Gleeson says you are the finest threesome in the class... remarkable little girls, she said!

Your teacher - wow... have we gotten lucky two years in a row! Miss Gleeson is a DOLL! She is young and ambitious and eager to teach. She has recognized you are hungry for knowledge and she is willing to send you additional homework to keep you motivated with your advanced reading skills. This is all very exciting for us. I have already started helping out with projects in the classroom and have volunteered to be Miss Gleeson's room parent! We are loving Ponderosa!

We had your first parent-teacher conference last night. WOW! Once again - you floored us with your skills. You are way above the curve in reading and getting far above the curve in Math. Miss Gleeson has already started you on the 2nd grade sight words list. (I didn't have the heart to tell her just yet, I think you know those already too!) You passed each competancy test from the state with 100 and we are just so amazed at what you are capable of.

Your homework so far is to just read every night for 20 minutes. This is never enough for you. we read 4-6 books a night. I am at the library once a week now loading up on books, in addition to the 2 you bring home from school each week. You set yourself a personal goal in October to read 100 books by the end of the month. By the 10th, you had read 30... I think you can do it! I love that you share this passion of mine to read!

You also LOVE and adore your music teacher, Miss Sue. We are so thankful you get music twice a week in addition to Music and Movement on Wednesdays. These days are highlights of your week. Your voice is really being cultivated!

Keep up your passion for school, sweet girl. There is more fun around every corner.

and THIS is what 1st grade looks like on you!!!

what i've been workin on...

so, since i've moved to bend, i've been inspired. could be the thin air. could be that i'm feeling better. could simply be that there is literally art and inspiration on every street corner. i'm not quite sure. whatever it is? i'm not complaining in the least. i'm inspired. and i'm loving it. and i want to make stuff. every day. here's some things i've made recently - right before we headed west, and then even more recent, since we've moved! What are you working on right now and what is inspiring you as you head back to school?

I know I'm inspired to make goodies for Kennedy's new teacher. This banner below was made last fall for her Kindergarten teacher... i think i might whip up another one this year. what do you think?

Back To School Banner - October Afternoon

My girl is forever stealing strawberries from the counter as I cut them up... so we've coined this the Strawberry Goblin... I had to do a page about this. I caught her in action over the summer!

Strawberry Goblin - October Afternoon

 Just whipped this lil number up at a crop last weekend.. using some Crate Paper from my stash and a cute candid photo of Kennedy on the morning of her 6th birthday. She was saucy that day! Love this look !!!

You Are My Sunshine - Crate Paper

 Also made last weekend... photos from a couple of summers ago. She looked so very serious here... so I called this Sand Warrior. Used all Echo Park. I love Echo Park so much I want to marry them. I don't think I have ever felt so connected to a paper line before. Everything they make, they think of me. It's all about ShelleyMay when they design their lines. They have me in mind, I am convinced. I need to design for them. I must. I love their papers. The weight. The designs. The embellishments. It's just totally me. I can eat up a collection easily. Pure love.

Sand Warrior - Echo Park

 My niece, Caitlyn, is going into 3rd grade. She needed a clipboard, comp book, and pencil box this year. She couldn't go in with standard supplies. ohhhh no no no way! nope. she got boutique style supplies! Customized... that's right!  She was smiles ear to ear when she saw this stuff! I told her to tell her teachers I do custom orders! lolol Again - Echo Park! swoon!

Cait's School Set - Echo Park

So - I showed you mind.. now show me yours! what have you been workin on?

peace and be good!

Shell